Hard To Love

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Y/N POV

The week dragged on, but not as bad as it was before he woke up. The doctors continued to do daily tests and they even allowed him to walk on the second day. He was a little wobbly at first, but we worked on it every day until he was steady.

We were now currently packing all of our stuff back up. We kind of carelessly threw our stuff around the room, but I made sure I had all the garbage together and by the door every morning for the housekeepers. I wasn't a complete monster.

Most of Gerard's wounds had healed. His arm was still in a cast for probably another four to six weeks and one of his ribs were still broken, but anything internal was now back to how it should be. He was walking fine, eating fine, and talking fine. So they discharged him

Mikey was going to drive us home since Gee's arm was still broken and I, honestly, couldn't bear the thought of it after everything. I didn't want to get in the car at all, but I knew I had to. So after we were finished and the papers were signed, I helped Gerard get dressed and the three of us left together.

Of fucking course there were paparazzi outside of the hospital. They can never take a fucking break. We pushed through them as much as we possibly could, but I finally snapped at them.

"Can you leave us the fuck alone for just one god damn day?" I screamed. They all stopped for a minute and slowly backed away. I didn't get angry often, but with everything going on, I wasn't up for this bullshit.

I let Gee take the passenger seat. It was too soon for me. I wondered if I'd ever get better, if I would ever be comfortable in a vehicle again. Probably, but there would always be a dull ache. Our car was totaled though, so at least the memory of that day wouldn't haunt me literally every second I was in it. We were going to wait until Gee was fully healed to go shopping since we still had my car.

I didn't notice how stuck in my thoughts I was until I noticed we were in our driveway. I hopped out of the car as fast as I could and helped Gerard out. He didn't really need it, but I was being as cautious as possible. Mikey unlocked the house for us with the key I made for him and held the door open for us.

"Thanks, Mikes." Gee smiled slightly. I whispered a quick 'thank you' as I walked by as well. Gerard moved towards the couch and plopped down, Mikey following him, but I decided to take our stuff upstairs and maybe even shower. Yeah, I think I will.

I trudged up the stairs, completely out of breath as I reached the top. I guess that'll happen when you barely move for three weeks. I can't imagine how exhausted Gerard must feel.

I threw our bags on the bed and unpacked, throwing all of the dirty clothing in the hamper, and taking all the toiletries to the bathroom. I shut the bathroom door behind me and began to strip myself of the sweatpants and t-shirt I had been wearing since last night.

Memories kept hitting me as I undressed. I was reminded of the day I violently puked before my shower, the day we found out I was pregnant. I was reminded of all the days following when that would be my morning routine. I was reminded of the showers Gerard and I took together as my belly had just begun to swell.

I wiped the tears that slowly slid down my face away and stepped into the shower, where more memories hit. Gerard washing the swollen area, him kissing me as he rested his hands over it, the serene feeling the hot water would give me. I collapsed on the shower floor and cried. I cried harder than I did in the hospital, harder than I ever had. No one was around to watch me, so I let it all out.

I cried until the shower water ran cold. I hadn't even washed myself yet, so I did that as fast as possible, then shut the water off. I controlled my sobbing as I got out of the shower and grabbed my towel, wrapping it around my body.

The part of the mirror I had wiped the steam away from revealed a woman I didn't know. This woman had massive dark circles, red and puffy eyes from crying, and was way skinnier than before. Not just from losing the baby, but from not eating as well. She wasn't the fun, energetic me that I once knew. No, this woman was broken. This woman has been through hell.

I relaxed my breathing as best as I could before I left the bathroom. After the past two weeks, practically everyone has seen me half-naked, so I didn't care about being in only my towel. I walked with my head down, only lifting it as I searched my closet for a sweatshirt and leggings.

I slid on clean underwear, not even worrying about a bra, then the rest of my clothing. I dried my hair a little bit with the towel before throwing it into the hamper as well. I really didn't want to face the boys downstairs, but I knew I had to. I hated looking weak, even though they watched the multiple breakdowns I've had in the past few weeks. Mikey had seen nearly all of them.

I sighed and left the room, making my way down the stairs as slowly as possible. The boys were watching a movie, I wasn't sure what since I wasn't really paying attention, so I walked to the kitchen and put a frozen pizza in the oven. It may not be an actual meal, but it's better than the hospital's food.

I felt a single arm snake it's way around my waist from behind me and leaned back into the person, which I knew was Gerard. I turned around and cried into his chest.