Hard To Love

Intoxicating

A/N

Hello, phrens! Okay, so, this is being done on my phone because my old laptop is being shit and my phone doesn't autocorrect as well as the laptop so there will probably be mistakes but oh well. I'm buying a new laptop tomorrow.
I'll try to update everything today as much as I can. I start a new job on Monday as a pharmacy technician so idk my schedule for that yet, but I'll try to keep up as much as possible.
Also, I might copy my Star Wars stories I write a few years ago from AO3 and put them here but idk yet.
Enough rambling, on with the show!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Y/N POV

I've barely talked to anyone since we got home. I'd wave, I'd fake a smile, force a laugh, but talking was too hard for me. When I did talk, it was one or two words at a time.

I know pushing everyone away isn't healthy, but I can't help it. Everything reminds me of what I've lost and what I almost lost. I flinch every time a car goes by, I have nightmares about Gee dying too, I'm out of control. I'm spiraling again. And..and so is Gee.

He's been drinking again. Not as much as before, but still. I also rarely see him eat, but I can't say anything without being hypocritical, because neither do I. Like I said, spiraling.

The record company had finalized and put out our new album, Danger Days. They're giving us time before we tour again, which I'm honestly dreading. But in my silent moments, I thought of what we could do next. Singles that create an album, if that makes any sense?

I had sort of an idea for it. Two songs per single. One of them, I'd have the song I sang for Gee at our wedding, and the recording Frank and I did in the hospital. I hadn't brought up my idea yet, but it was coming together.

I heard a loud crash, which sounded like glass shattering, and sighed. I stood from the chair at my desk and walked downstairs to find Gee curled up in a ball, sobbing uncontrollably. It was obvious he was drunk again, and seeing him like this hurt me.

"Gee, baby, come here. Come upstairs with me." I whispered in his ear as I held him close to me. He sniffled and nodded slowly. I stood up and carefully helped him get to his feet. I'd worry about the glass later.

We walked up to our bedroom together and both collapsed on the bed. His head accidentally hit mine and we both laughed. Actually laughed. The first real laugh since it all happened. It felt strange, but nice.

"I love you, Gerard. More than anything in this world." I told him.

"I love you more, and I'm sorry for everyth-" I put my finger to his lips and shushed him.

"None of this is your fault. It's neither of ours. So don't be sorry, let's just be thankful we still have each other." I cupped his cheek and kissed him softly. It was the first time we kissed for more than a second in what felt like forever.

"Let's nap." I nodded in agreement and curled up into him, falling asleep almost instantly.

Gerard POV

I woke up with Y/N still curled into my side. The nap sobered me up for the most part, but my head was pounding. I knew what I was doing to myself was bad. I knew I shouldn't be going down this road again, but I don't know how to cope. It's just like when my grandmother died; I don't know any other way.

I know what I'm doing is hurting her, which makes me want to stop so bad. She's been through enough, I can't put her through even more. I had to try to quit this. For her.

She started to stir before she opened her eyes. She looked up to me and I smiled lightly. It was a real smile. The first real smile in what felt like an eternity.

"Hi, love." I whispered. She smiled back and hugged my body tightly.

"I really have to pee." I chuckled lightly at her first words and watched as she got up and moved out of the room.

I swung my legs over the side of the bed and stretched, making some definite inhuman noises as I did so. I stood and felt the pounding in my head once again, which made me groan. When I opened my eyes, I saw my beautiful wife walking towards me with Tylenol and water.

Man, I love her.

I thanked her with a kiss as she handed it to me, then gulped it down.

"Baby, let's go somewhere. Get away for a little bit. Wherever you want to go, we'll go. We need to take our mind off of this." She looked up at me and waited for my response.

"I think that sounds perfect, honestly. We'll look up places, okay?" She smiled widely which made my heart beat ten times faster. Seeing her happy again made me feel things I haven't felt in a long time.

"I love you so much. We're going to get through this. I believe in us." I spoke softly. I leaned down and kissed her again with a little more passion than before. I put every emotion I had into this kiss.

Anger. Sadness. Happiness. Indifference. Love.

"I love you so much more." She replied as she pulled away.

The truth is, this woman is more intoxicating than the booze. Her happiness, her love, that is what I need in order to heal. It always has been. She got me sober before, she'll do it again.

I believe in that.