Why Am I Here? I am lost

- A Message Heard -

Message to -Joyce-
---------

-Joyce

I have this strange feeling of paranoia. Like I'm dying. I'd randomly start singing or thinking about it here and there. I recorded myself singing a strange song when my eyes were relaxed. I just sang words that came into my head....

I haven't been feeling happy, and I know if I were to die; that it wouldn't be from suicide. I know it's probably just something messing with my head. Truth is, I don't know. I am still confused.

I spoke with a doctor. I explained most of this, and that I have felt evil. I see a monster in my reflection.

I'm afraid of everything. I'm always quiet, and when I'm not, I'm just nervous and complain. I have hatred. I can't locate the source to why.

"Can you hear me"

I keep hearing, as well as other things. Like something is trying to get through to me, and I'm unsure if it's wanting to hurt me or help me.
I just want this to end.
this confusion to end.
This sadness.
Fear.
Pain.
Evilness.
I'm slipping into the dark and I don't know how to stop it. I don't know how to fight against it. My prayers aren't working. My mental strength is not strong.
My emotions are numb and my mind is weak. I'm talking to myself to provide entertainment.
To provide company - because I don't want to speak or be around anyone... I'm... scary. Or weird.
It's pathetic.

But I do want to speak, and to be around people...
I just don't.
At the same time.
There's no 'one side' I'm leaning to. I'm stuck in the middle like I'm in limbo or some shit, and I can't choose which side to go to.
I'm breaking.

My doctor will probably ask;
"why didn't you come speak to me"

That's just me assuming things
as usual...

I didn't want to fucking talk to anyone. Not you, not anyone at work. My family.

I spoke to my Doctor in hopes I could get...

i dont fucking know. That's the thing.. I don't fucking know what I am talking about. I had this voice, like a narrator from a film speaking to me in my head. Not over there, or outside. Inside. My head.

It said it wanted to control me. That I'll do anything that it wants me to do. I'm resisting because I don't trust it.
Fuck...
It's like I'm in some fucked up story...
Or some video game.

It's been nice to me... then a prick. It said it was helping me be prepared for the outside world. That I have to wait a little longer to then see what it has in store for me.

I've been seeing people in the back garden. Bowing down to me, calling me their master and lord. Like... what the fuck.
I am not their master or their lord!
I just read those ancient texts, and sook knowledge further.
Look where it brought me...
All these hallucinations...
After just two years Joyce...
What the fuck happened to me?
Did it happen because I'm doing the right thing? Something The Evil One did not like?
or didn't want me to know?
So for my punishment they gave me this "gift"? Just to mess with my head??
Some fucking gift this is!

IF THE EVIL ONE EVEN EXISTS!!!!

But why is this happening to me..?
I feel like a child.
Complaining over something easily dealt with...
But I don't know how to deal with this...

It's like someone cut my eyes out and told me what everything around me - looks like, lying to me about everything. Because I feel blinded Joyce... from everything. EVERYTHING!!!!
That's how I feel...

Ahhh.. about the people I seen in the back garden...
There was three of them. I was ordering them in individual pairs to fight off spirits and demons attacking the people nearby. Attacking my friends and family. To help them win their own battles.
All in my mind.
I seen a scene play out right in front of me like a day dream that was so vivid.
I was brave, ordering them around. I was confident.
I was a king!

I was their lord apparently...
I'm not a king, or anyone's lord...
I did always want to be a king...
I would dream about it, or have these thoughts in my head. Like I was a king in a previous life or something....
Or in the next life!

Maybe God answered my prayer.
It could also be my head being fucked up because; HEY! IM INSANE, REMEMBER?? I've got a diagnosis to prove it... ask my doctor.

I know you already know this Joyce... I'm speaking out loud. I'm not being sarcastic. Or maybe I am. Fuck.
I'm still me! I'm still Sebastian. I... just have these issues with my head right now...

This message is probably because of the narrator. Just to fuck up things. Emotions or thoughts. Or if not that... something else. I don't fucking know.

My outlet has been watching a show that's fucked up but really entertaining. Playing the guitar, and that just end up annoying me.

I'm finding no enjoyment in anything that I have been doing.

It's just been to pass time.

My routine is ruined. For sleep,
and day to day activities.
I'm distancing from you, my friends. From everyone. I have the most stupid shit! - in my head and I just want to sleep for a very very long time.

Some voices tell me to "just sleep" every time I wake up. Or during the day when I'm alone.

What a joke!!!

I.... I'm finding it hard. To.. understand anything. My attention has been terrible, my thoughts have been bad, my emotions, listening skills, my empathy, my understanding... everything seems to be breaking apart, and I don't know what to do.

"can you hear me"

Before you ask me, if I've been taking my new medication

"Just shut up"

I have. All but one because I missed a day. I'll take that last one tomorrow. They're very weak. 5mg. I don't have much hope in this medicine. It's been 3 whole weeks and they were considered one of the best antipsychotics for treatment. They aren't working Joyce...

Even when I play the guitar now I hear words in each pluck of a string.

I can't even...

I'm so angry. Tired. Afraid of what is happening around me. If not just around me.. then around all of us.

There I go again!!!
Bringing things into the literal and not just leaving it as a fucked up perspective that a loony hebephrenic is only experiencing.

If it's all real to me, then why is it NOT real? Like.. give me a break. A better answer than that. Come on. If I'm the one who needs to "wise up" or "knock it on the head" then; Holy fucking shit. Keep me locked up in that mental prison. I tried
"knocking it on the head" - I just hurt myself.
that was a joke. Which includes some truth.

And wising up? I am wise.
I'm just a pathetic excuse for a man currently.
A scared little boy that's "trapped" up in his house surrounded by nothing but hatred, annoyance and boredom.

I hate, everything that I do. That I once found enjoyment in. Myself.

I just thought... If maybe I was dying, I could say goodbye. If this was one of my crazy visions again...

Or maybe there really isn't any demons. Everything around me is a hallucination.
The voices, the things I see and hear, what I feel, what happens to me...

If all of that is fake, and I really am just insane. A loony bin.
Then I don't want to live anymore.
To live like this everyday. I'd much rather face death. Maybe there is something after death, somewhere to go to, and I want to go there and see for myself if it has been all true.

It has been decided, but for now... I'll let fate decide what happens. Time reveals all, but God 'knows' all.

My head hurts. The narrator voice said to calm down because I haven't drank enough water. What a funny guy, or girl. It's different sometimes...
I'm unsure of their intentions right now.

"Intentions" though. Great song by Justin Bieber. You should check it out sometime and give it a listen.

Honestly. I've forgotten most of what I've felt during typing that. If I said it then I meant it. Maybe some grammar mistakes but I'm settled with this.

-Sebastian

*Never leave your closest friends*