Kindly read my chapter called "announcement" before you move on.
January 10, 2020.
Dear D,
It's been 10 days since Muhammad's de...since he left, and I still can't believe it.
I can't even begin to imagine that I'm writing this. I would never have written in you again, but Muhammad made me promise that I would continue to write in you.
I was by his side when it happened, I was by his side and I can't get the picture out of my head! He looked so peaceful in his sleep, he looked like he was sleeping, how? How could he look so peaceful?
Oh goodness, I can't believe this. I want to wake up from this nightmare. Muhammad can NOT die! He still has so much to do, he was too young, he was still too young. He was only 21! He has only one year left of school. He still has both of his parents AND siblings. He still has so much to do ahead of him! How could death not see all of that? How could death be so blind?
I like to believe that everything is according to Allah's Qadr, but Muhammad leaving us at such a tender age is NOT His Qadr. Why? How? I can't even begin to imagine. Everytime I say it, or I want to dial his number, or I see something I want to tell him, or Attiyah calls, or I even just think, it dawns on me and I can't even breathe properly.
What? Muhammad has just 1 year, and then Law School. Muhammad had so much dreams! He has...so much hopes and aspirations, he has too much oh goodness he's just too young! I don't even want to think about what Attiyah could be going through now, even though I feel the highest of highest of pains and I know that no pain exists, that is more than the hurt I feel in my chest.
Wait.
Wait.
I'm confused, like gone gone? I won't see Muhammad again?
He won't come to my faculty to surprise me? He won't pick me up for lunch? He won't insult me over reading too many books and my baby obsession? He won't be able to take pictures with me and call me every single minute? He won't be able to laugh at me? He won't be able to advise me about Adeel? He won't be able to graduate??? He won't be able to graduate and take pictures! There would be no sign out for him?! His parents are not going to watch him take his awards? He won't grow up, get married to Attiyah and have babies for me to babysit?
Oh subhanallah.
I'm never going to see his smile again, with his crooked tooth, and his eyes closed. His pointed nose and his 4-eyes. His broad shoulders and twinkling eyes. I won't hear "Nobody can steal Muhammad's shine" , I won't have him correct my Qur'an pronunciations and insult me while trying to get me to memorise? I won't have anyone force me to upload my stories and opt in for competitions? No one is going to call me "Ayyaahh", again? He won't call me and just ask me to walk out again? No one is going to embarrass me in public again!
I can't, I can't do this. I can't. I can't breathe.
I want to wake up.
Please let me wake up from this horrible nightmare.
Yours,
A.
