Yours, A.

...I'm sorry...

Not edited!
15th of January, 2018.

Dear D,
I can't believe I've neglected you for soooo long, subhanallah. It's unimaginable, I have been so busy, doing this and that, I know that's not an excuse, as I could have taken some minutes just to fill in, I'm sorry. I'm sincerely sorry. Especially to myself. I have denied myself the opportunity to express myself, and maybe that's why I'm here, running to fill in.

I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm disheartened. I'm angry. I feel betrayed. I have all of these feelings and all I want to do when I think about it is cry. Why? How? When? For what reason? Just, how?

I can't answer any of that. All I can say is that I like someone. A lot. I have very strong feelings for him, and I have never felt this way for anybody.

I'm sure you're confused, why am I sad, and tired and all of these because I feel for someone? Oh. First, it is because I was so sure that my heart is made of stone, and I won't fall for anyone except I actually decide to. Love is a decision. Love is a decision. I mean, I must have subconsciously decided to, but I don't even know anymore.

Second, why at this point in my life exactly? I'm not even ready for a relationship. I have almost nothing to offer right now. I'm not in the best state, at least, that I want to be when I want to go into a relationship. I still need a lot of personal growth and development. I just am not ready, AT ALL.

Third and almost most important, the person I'm in love with? I can't even deduce! This minute he's acting and insinuating stuff that makes it seem that he's totally head over heels in love with me, and the next minute he's acting like I'm some random girl that he's just talking too. And honestly, I am not even ready for mind games.

I was in denial about it for the whole of December, until I actually had an honest conversation with 'Aaishah and she helped me to see that I do feel something for him. Something, that's really strong. And I freaked out so much that she had to assure me that it was totally human, natural and most of all, not a sin, at all.

And then, all I do these days is to snap at him and get mad at him for no reason. I can't help but just argue, and misunderstand all he says, and turn everything into a fight.

I don't want to like anyone, especially not Adeel, he doesn't ever let me get a direct assumption!

Oh goodness.

I have to go now.

Yours,
A.