Yours, A.

...:(!

Not edited!
Friday, 10th November, 2017.

Dear D,
I write this with so much sadness in my heart, subhanallah :(. My uncle died yesterday; I mean, Fareedah and Ruqayyah's dad. It's so heartbreaking, he was already back home and getting better, but his wife, my aunt, just called my dad and started crying. My dad didn't tell me on the phone, he just came to pick me from school and drove me to their house. I got there some minutes before Ruqayyah got back from school, and when she was told, she closed her eyes and said "Yes, I already know, I can feel it in my chest", and then she went into her room, and prayed. She cried and she prayed, and I was so moved that I almost started to cry too.

I didn't see Fareedah at first, she was inside her room and she locked it from inside. When they wanted to break it down, I just left and went out of the house. I didn't want to have to face her, I didn't know if I could handle it. Alhamdulilah, just when I stepped out, Muhammad, his dad and mum just got there, and then he stayed with me for a while, before we went into Ruqayyah's room together.

When I was in Ruqayyah's room, the three of us just sat, in silence, and my thoughts were just roaming around! It was unbelievable. I remembered when we went to visit my uncle at the hospital, and how he smiled at me and told me how much I reminded him of his sister, my mum, and I smiled shyly.

I thought about his wife, and how swollen her eyes looked, even though she wasn't crying, and she only kept on sighing. I thought about Fareedah, she's the most sensitive of them all, and it must be so hard for her. I thought about Ruqayyah, and how calm she looked, how much she was holding to her Iman, even though she was trembling inside. I thought about Tasleem, how would the poor boy react when he gets back from school?

And then I thought about my grand mum, and that was when I started to cry. How? Why? Subhanallah. I just kept on muttering Inna lilahi. She had only two children, my mum and my uncle. She already lost my mum, because of me, and how she had just lost her second and only other child, I was so disheartened. And then I started to blame myself, if only my mum didn't have me, then maybe she would be here to ease my grandma's pain.

I didn't know I said that out loud, until I caught the attention of both of the others in the room. Ruqayyah gasped and sat beside me on her own bed, and then she told me it was Qadr that they both died when they died, and I should never say it's my fault again. And Muhammad also added his own pep talk, and I'm so glad they actually were there, because I felt really better and relieved. And then we prayed for him together.

Muhammad's family left after they prayed on his body after ashr, and they buried him in the compound, at the backyard of the house. Most of the people left, even my own sister had to go home (she came earlier), and later at night, my dad left and asked me to stay with my cousins. I felt like such a responsibility had been given to me, and I made sure I did all I could.

I cooked for my siblings, and I made their beds, then I made Ruqayyah's hair, and I listened to Fareedah just rant about her dad, and how she would have liked to see him in her dreams, and when she slept, I was about to start asking my coursemates for the classes I missed, when Ruqayyah spoke.

She asked me if I liked Muhammad, and I was wondering why she was bringing it up at that point. And then, when I said no, she said okay, and that she liked him. I was so confused! And shocked, to say the least. Ruqayyah doesn't seem like one to actually "like" someone, but I reminded myself she's human. But, why was she telling me when she just lost her dad?

Then, like she read my mind, she said "I might die this second, or the next, I wanted someone to know, and it's you", and then I smiled and swallowed, and honestly, I didn't know what to say, because all I could do was try to see when the three of us were together, and all the signs were there. The way she could not meet his eyes when they talked, and at every point, she would smile and look away from him. And sometimes, she would just leave his presence.

By the time I was trying to ask her if she wanted me to interfere, she was already sleeping. And then, I was quite glad, cause I didn't know exactly what to say. I was able to update my notes with the help of my course rep though, and I came back to school this morning, early.

I studied before going for classes, and then, Muhammad picked me up and we went for Jumu'ah.

I asked him if he liked Ruqayyah and...

Oops, I'm done with the pages!

Yours,
A..