Yours, A.

EPILOGUE.

November 17, 2025.

Dear Muhammad,
Yes, dear Muhammad. I've been waiting for this day, I saved the last five pages to write to you. I didn't know what day it would be, but I knew the day would come.
The day has come. I don't want to write to this diary, I want to write to you, and I can only pray so hard, that you actually do read it from heaven.

It was your birthday yesterday, and I prayed so hard to have my baby on your birthday, He just decided to come today! I begged him too hard to come yesterday, but he wouldn't listen to me! but, in your words :

"Nobody can steal Muhammad's shine!"

He came this morning, and I named him Muhammad. I didn't name him after the Prophet S.A.W, I named him after you, Moha Moha! It's my final gift to you, and I thought I also needed to tell you all of this, before I finally let go of this journal.

I ended up selling flowers, I know right, after everything!, and I absolutely love every part of it. I also have a book club of my own, the other Attiyah, your Attiyah, pushed me to start it, she is still not married yet.

She says she could never get married, because she'd always cheat on her husband in her heart, because you're the only one in it. She says that her heart can only love one person, and that is you, and Muhammad, every single time I see her, I see the hurt in her eyes, she doesn't even smile anymore. I wish you were here to comfort her, and actually tell her that you do love her, with your own mouth. She also wrote it down somewhere, (she doesn't know I saw it) that she can't marry someone here, and risk not being with you in heaven. So, I left her and let her be, and I always try to be there for her.

I also teach the kids in my estate the Qur'an and some basic Islamic stuff in the evenings, don't worry, I never get qareeban yawma yanthuru wrong anymore.

اِنَّآ اَنْذَرْنٰكُمْ عَذَابًا قَرِيْبًا ەۙ يَّوْمَ يَنْظُرُ الْمَرْءُ مَا قَدَّمَتْ يَدَاهُ وَيَقُوْلُ الْكٰفِرُ يٰلَيْتَنِيْ كُنْتُ تُرٰبًا ࣖ

See? I even wrote all of that on my own! I went to your house, and I asked your mum to give me all of your Islamic and Arabic books, and I read them all. I cried a lot during that time, I cried each and everyday when I tried to learn with your books. I cried when I got stuck, and I wanted you to correct me, I cried when I saw how your handwriting had become worse through the years, I cried when I got to the part you actually tried to teach me before you left, I cried for no reason, I cried so much.

Apart from Muhammad, I already had a baby girl. I couldn't tell you because I couldn't risk needing these pages later. She smiles so much, and it always reminds me of you, the way you smile. I would give anything, absolutely anything, to see your smile again. I used to see it when I closed my eyes, your crooked tooth, and the way you close your eyes, but these days I can't, it's fading away slowly.

That's what I'm scared of Muhammad, your memories fading away forever. It was so hard, but I could at least, still get things done after you left, but I don't know if I can handle losing and forgetting you, I don't know what I'd do. I keep checking all of your pictures, and I keep replaying all our videos, I even went to your home to ask for some of your things. My daughter is obsessed with your glasses, she always wants to wear it, even though it's really big for her!
Oh, and she's 2 years old.

There's so much I want to say, so so much I want to tell you, but I don't know where to start from. Oh, and I got married to Adeel at the end of the day. After I said no to him that day, he stopped asking me directly. He went to my dad, and asked. I said no a couple of times, and he kept coming back. I decided to talk to him one day, and he said that he was not going to stop coming until I told him why I won't marry him. I told him because I didn't have feelings for him, then he said okay, and left. He came back the next morning, to ask my dad if he could court me again.

I wonder if my dad had the "fatherly instinct", cause he kept on allowing him. And then I went to him and told him I already told him to stop coming, and then he said he asked me why, I told him I told him already, and I didn't have feelings for him, and he said oh, okay, and came back the next day!

I've wasted a lot of pages, but basically, he came to my house for about a whole year, taking breaks in between, but totally, he came to ask for my hand for a year, and then Airah asked me what I wanted exactly, and then I cried and told her I didn't want to be married out of pity. He knew I was so much in love with him, and maybe he didn't want to hurt me, and just get married to me. And then, I said I didn't want him to risk his happiness. Airah laughed so hard, and then she asked if I thought he'd be coming to my house for a whole year, if he was pitying me?

Anyways, I decided to ask him why exactly he was asking me, and he said he was in love with me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me like that's the most natural thing in the world. I told him it was a lie, and that he didn't love me. And then, he looked sincerely surprised, and asked me why I would think that, and then I reminded him of that day, when I asked him what he wanted from me, and he said that he wanted to be friends. And then, he said that yes, he remembers, but what has that got to do with loving me?

He explained to me though, that at that point, he wanted to be just friends with me, and he was actually in fact, in love with me from the beginning, but he wasn't ready to get married at that point, and he didn't want to tell me those things except it was right of him. And then I cried, because I knew he wasn't lying, you should have seen him, Muhammad. You were right all along, he actually did feel something for me, but he wasn't shy! Before you start bragging you're always right.

I let him work for all the cries, heartbreak and hurt he caused me though. I told him I wouldn't marry him until he showed me that he actually deserved me, and poor boy, he tried for a whole six months before I even acted like I was interested. And when we got engaged, I told him we shouldn't see each other until we got married, I got what I wanted. We were married in 6 weeks, and it would have been the most beautiful day of my life, if not because you weren't there, as the only man in my bridal train!

We've been married for 4 years now, and YES! I still waited 2 years, before having our first baby. I understand why I had to go through so much pain even when we were going to be together now, it was because it is going to be so beautiful. Life is so beautiful with him, he makes me so happy. He's really patient, and he almost never gets mad at me. He supports me and encourages me, and he lets me make my decisions. He was very understanding about you, and he still listens to me rant about you. On your birthday, he lets us visit your grave together and pray for you (not yesterday though), and he doesn't complain.

Oh my goodness! I can't believe I've spent so much time and pages talking about him! You are right, again, I can't seem to stop talking about him all the time.

I'd stop here, I'm about to cry, and I don't want a new baby to see me cry.

Life is so beautiful, but it would have been much more beautiful with you here, laughing at me and cheering me on, and making my other Attiyah happy.

Friendship to me, was a person, and that person is You, Muhammad.
I am grateful for you, then, and now.
I love you, (again, as a FRIEND!) now and forever.

I miss you, I miss you so much it hurts.

Yours,
A.