Forget Me

Chapter Eight

Korn ran out of Mew's house like he's on fire.

He was.

Korn was aroused beyond anything he had ever felt before in his life. He felt like his entire body had been electrified and nothing but a cold shower could cool him down enough to restore his sanity.

The unimaginable heat from a fire he didn't know could burn so fiercely inside him was nothing compared to the fear. Korn was terrified. He was afraid of what he had discovered. Afraid of what it meant. Afraid there was no way to take it back and pretend he didn't know. Return to the uncomfortable and yet bearable ignorance.

He hated the confirmation.

Without any evidence against him, Korn could have denied it all. He told himself and anyone who would listen that he was just waiting for the right person to come along. That he hadn't met the right girl yet. That he just wasn't interested in having a relationship right now because he wanted to concentrate on his studies or sports or whatever he could convince them was more important.

Now he knew the truth.

Maybe he'd always known.

He was gay.

He liked boys.

Certainty didn't offer comfort. Korn finally understood why. Racing straight to his room when he got home, he locked the door and took a moment to stare at his face in the full-length mirror on the inside of his closet door. He wanted to check if there was something about who he was that could suddenly be seen in the contours of his face. He feared most that it was something visible that would tell others he was, in fact, one of those 'filthy faggots'.

Because there was no way to deny that he liked Mew. He liked him a lot.

Now he had added the fact that he liked kissing him. Liked the touch of his lips. Loved the taste of his mouth. Wanted more. Not that he knew what 'more' there could be. Korn only knew that whatever it was, he wanted it with Mew.

But there was no way he could be gay. That was not something he could deal with. Not when the price was so steep. He was certain he could not afford it and it was made all too clear when his mother called him down for dinner.

Korn could barely take his eyes off his father as they sat down to eat. He wished there was some way of knowing what his Por was thinking but that was a complete mystery to him; unless they were talking about sports. But He didn't want to talk about sports so he just stayed quiet – and observant.

His mother seemed to notice his intense scrutiny of his father and raised a questioning brow but Korn just shook his head and continued to eat in silence.

He couldn't accept this. Denial was powerful enough to give him a false sense of comfort but it was far better than any alternative on his list of options. It made him a coward and he knew it.

That's why he spent the rest of the week and the entire weekend avoiding everyone.

Especially Mew.

He hated seeing the other boy's questioning look whenever they happened to cross paths. It was inevitable since their school wasn't very big and their route home was identical. But Korn didn't know what to say. He didn't know what Mew wanted from him. Korn didn't know what he wanted from himself.

Every day when he got home early, glad for the rare moment to himself, he stared at his reflection in the mirror. Asking himself over and over again what he was going to do. Every day he came up blank. Every day, wishing he could stop his heart from palpitating with fear.

Fear of discovery. Fear of being different. Fear of being seen as disgusting. Fear of being unwanted. Every day he fell into bed exhausted from trying to keep it all together and feeling like he had failed and it was only a matter of time before someone knew and everything fell apart.