Forget Me

Chapter Thirty-Five

Mew had been thinking about it for weeks. It had occupied his mind so completely there wasn't room left for anything else. That's how he'd made the decision. Mew couldn't think of another way.

It didn't feel right. It didn't make him happy. But he didn't know what else he could do. He needed to get everything and everyone out of his mind so he could concentrate on his studies. That was the most important thing.

He did not need to worry about Peck's feelings. He didn't need to think about what the other boy had said to him or what it meant. That was Peck's problem and he had to figure it out on his own time.

Mew didn't need to feel guilty. Not for telling Peck off and most definitely not for what Peck had done. Peck had initiated it and he hadn't responded to it. Yet it still felt like he had done something wrong. Mew knew it would upset Korn if he told him what Peck had done.

What difference would it make to tell Korn the truth? They would be in the mess together without a way to go back and change the past. What was the point of that? It was better if Mew dealt with it. It was time to act.

It still took him weeks to talk to Korn. There was always a reason not to. Some excuse he made to himself to keep from approaching his boyfriend. But the pressure was mounting and it was getting harder to pretend there wasn't something bothering him. The number of excuses he'd come up with to explain away Korn's concerns were finally more than he could justify with his inertia.

They were a few weeks away from their midterms and he felt like his entire world had turned into a spinning vortex of confusion and fear and guilt. Mew couldn't figure out which side was up. It helped that nobody was interested in the tests. Everything they did was a revision exercise. Most of the continuous assessment tests had open-book options and they were given the answers immediately after. It helped them figure out what they still needed before the finals.

That is when Mew finally gathered the courage to talk to Korn.

They were walking home together. Korn was silent but Mew hated that the lack of conversation felt heavy with all the unspoken things between them. The easy silence they used to enjoy had disappeared an eternity ago. It was a good thing Peck had stopped coming around because Mew could not have handled the other boy's presence as well as Korn's reticence. Not now. Perhaps not ever.

"Are you going to study some more? I can join you later but I have to run a small errand for my dad." Korn explained when Mew's house was in sight.

Mew didn't know what possessed him at that moment. Perhaps it was the fact that Korn was concerned about such mundane things while he was fighting not to drown in his thoughts. Something about the question finally pushed him over some unseen and unknown barrier.

"I can't do it anymore," Mew said softly. He could see that Korn didn't understand what he meant so he added, "I can't see you anymore."

"What?" Korn's voice was just as soft. There was no shock, no incredulity. He acted like Mew had answered his earlier question instead of giving a completely different response. "Why...?"

"I just can't..."

Mew couldn't explain his reasons. Not in any way he thought would make sense. He knew if he continued to fight both his emotions and his examination nerves, he would fail at both and there would be hell to pay. He didn't want to hurt Korn anymore—and he knew he was. With his anger and frustration and silence, he was creating doubts in Korn's heart and mind and he hated seeing his boyfriend look so hurt and lost when all he was trying to do was help.

Mew was lost in thought for too long. It was enough time for them to reach his house and he opened his door and ushered Korn in on autopilot. But once they were standing facing each other in the middle of his living room he didn't know what to do.