Darkside

Eleven

Ice-cold prickle. Hairs, on end. Egg yolk fear trickling down my spine.

Someone's watching me. Someone on this night bus knows me. Knows Luvvie, knows what happened. Sees me in a way I can't be seen.

Sliding down in my seat doesn't help. I'm too exposed. I might as well lie naked on the floor and scream until everyone sees me.

My hair, it's too long now. I let the dark grow out a little. I look like her again. Especially because I'm all dressed up, out for a night of fun, makeup and hair all done...I'm an idiot.

Someone knows.

My bag flings over my shoulder, my feet bounce towards the exit, the cold night air needs to claim me, take me before the voyeur gets me first.

This isn't paranoia, all my senses fire, this is real. Someone's here.

"Fuck."

It's too dark. I can't see. Only feel and it isn't good. The bar where I'm meeting the girls is far, I can't keep up with my pounding heart, my breath won't last that long.

I should've known this couldn't last. No one escapes their life forever, do they? People can't help leaving a trail, they always get found out. Now it's my turn. Now I'll go back, I'll be forced back and then...and then him.

Tap, tap, tap.

Heels aren't the best to run in. I'm used to heels, well, Luvvie is anyway, Phoenix not so much, but I thought it best to go all out. I want to impress the girls, to make them see me as one of them. Wanting to fit in will kill me.

Even with my arms folded over my chest and my feet scraping along the ground as fast as I can manage, safety doesn't come for me. I'm dizzy, my eyes blur, I can barely see.

Did someone get off the bus with me?

I should've looked, I should know. I want to dart my eyes over my shoulders now to check if those are real footsteps behind me or if they're in my head, but my neck is frozen, stuck. I've been scared before, but never like this. I've never been closer to death.

"Excuse me?"

Oh God.

Was that him? His voice? I can't tell. I pick up the pace, waiting for the right second to kick my shoes off completely and give up on them. Why isn't there anyone else around? I guess if I'd bothered to wait for the right bus stop, the one Hettie gave me the name for, this wouldn't be an issue.

"Excuse me, miss? Did you drop this?"

A trick, it's just a trick. It has to be.

"Your phone. It's ringing. Tesha is calling you."

Tesha.

I brave a glance, ignoring my instincts screaming at me not to. An older man holds my phone out towards me like it's on fire.

"Oh." It's not him. It's no one I know. "Thank you."

"Good to be careful." He clutches his knees, nearly out of breath, all because of me. "But I was only trying to help, you know?"

"Sorry, I..." I don't have an excuse. There's no point in trying. "Thank you."

There's no one. No one around. Only me and him. The iciness might remain in my spine, but it's for nothing, for no one.

This is new for me, this exposure for anything other than work. Going to a nightclub is always going to be a bit strange, a danger I don't need to be taking. The fear has come from that, nothing more.

I could go home. I don't need to do this, but I've come this far now and I want to.

Tesha and the other girls could be my friends, a symbol of my freedom, part of my life rather than mere survival.

I do want to live and I'm pretty sure I deserve that much.

Yes, I want to keep on going, I need to now.

"Hi, Tesha." My tone is suitable light and bubbly. "I'm on the way. Dumb fool I am, I got off at the wrong bus stop. I'll only be a couple of minutes now though. Then we can start celebrating your birthday properly..."