Darkside

Twenty-Six

"Let's go out." Orson's face is flooded with hope. "Have a real date. We haven't ever done that, have we? It's always been too...complicated."

I see. He senses the distance between us as well. He isn't ignoring it. Now, he's even trying. Finally, fighting for the future we both need.

"I'd love to." My teeth grit together, not really smiling. "We need to focus on keeping a roof over our head first. I don't know if the money we have this week will cover a date."

Orson shoulders bob. "Well, if we can't afford our bills, we can always go."

"But...didn't we decide to stay? Aren't we set on our decision?"

"Yeah, until it no longer makes us happy. Is this life still making you happy?"

I have no answer. I can't vocalize an answer, so I nod.

"I see." His eyes fall. He can't look at me. "Well, I think we need a conversation..."

"Oh God." My eyes roll. Conversations never remain civil with us. "Really?"

"We can't go forever not talking, can we? We need to talk some time."

Irritation flows through the pair of us. I can see cracks starting to form in our perfect union, in the stupid little love story I've been planning in my mind, trying to live in. when will I learn reality never lives up to what I want?

"Let's go out." Going out means we don't need to have this conversation or make any plans now. It's the only reason I suggest it. "I would like a date. Thank you for suggesting it."

I'm sure Orson wants to carry on the conversation, he seems to enjoy the moment it heats up and becomes rage so he can let his frustration out. But we're trying to fight for this, we need to make it work. He lets his arguments fall away and nods.

"Lovely, I think we need it. I'm sure it'll be really nice."

The tight knot in the pit of my stomach definitely doesn't agree. The fear has returned without the donuts for me to focus on. But maybe dressing up nice and eating out somewhere will surprise me. This could be the night of my dreams...

Huh, no, I'm never going to be that Phoenix.

***

Orson smiles, his face soft in the dimmed lighting. I suppose it's meant to be romantic and with the right person it would be. Is Orson that person?

"You need another drink?" He tilts his glass in my direction, offering me a way to lubricate this tension. "Same again."

I nod. "Same again."

Drink is the answer, but also the issue. I need more.

This is nice. I need to convince myself. I have to pick my mood up. Me and Orson are getting along well, there's been no talk of moving, no serious conversation at all...

Who knows, if we're both very careful this could end up like normal date nights, in bed.

When the drinks are flowing and the laughter loud, there's a stirring between my thighs, I become utterly convinced that tonight will be my night...

Until the boozy buzz fades with a few simple, unexpected words.

"Did you ever have a social media account, Phoenix? I can't find you on anything."

Orson fiddles with his phone, trying to act like this is an innocent enough question, not that I'm falling for it. This question is leading to something serious. He just needed enough alcohol in his system to brave what he's been trying to find out for ages.

How long has he been looking? What does he know?

My blood is ice, barely moving in my body.

"I don't have any anymore," he continues. "But I can still find old accounts of mine."

"I never did."

My lips purse tightly together. How many accounts did Luvvie have? She was on everything, wanting to be seen and noticed by everyone, needing attention from wherever she could get it from. I don't know how many of my tracks I left uncovered.

It was all so rushed.

"Not even in high school at the height of it? I remember everyone loving it, Phoenix."

"I never cared about keeping up-to-date with friends. Not that way anyway."

"So, you don't miss anyone? There isn't anyone who you'd like to see now?"

Only everyone on Darkside, the family I chose for myself, the people who are undoubtedly fascinated with Luvvie's case and who might've even solved it...

"No one. I'm happy with all I have right here, right now."