Darkside

Twenty-One

"Your hair is softer now it's a little longer."

Orson's fingers running through my hair is sheer bliss. This is the exact reason I haven't cut my locks again. It's risky, any length makes me look more like Luvvie than I'm supposed to, especially since I've gotten a little lax with the hair dye, but crime happens every single day and my case is becoming a cold one.

With no leads, where can they go?

Am I okay with this? With the world moving on? With Cash not getting what he deserves?

With Orson touching me like this and memories of yet another fun night with my friends, I kinda am. It's a million miles away from me, it means nothing. This is my life now. I am Phoenix.

"You like it?" I give him a flirty wink. "You think I should grow it longer?"

"Maybe. It certainly feels nicer."

I lean my head against his shoulder and swim in the bliss of love. Who'd have thought I'd find it here, in an almost empty apartment in the middle of nowhere.

"Okay, I'll keep it then. If you like it so much."

The TV sounds flicker in the background, but I'm paying no attention. I only have to listen when the news is playing and I need to check that I'm not on it.

Not that I'm ever on it anymore. The last time was with my father, and weeks have passed since then.

"You still like it here?" Orson doesn't seem to even realize these words are falling out of his mouth. "Or do you want to go somewhere else?"

"What do you mean?" My eyes narrow in on his face. "Aren't you happy? I thought we got an apartment here to settle down."

"But you're a little vagrant, aren't you? I want to check you're happy."

"I have been." I nod seriously. "I like my job here, I have a friend in Aimee, I like our home, it feels safe. Out of reality, almost. Like nothing will come along and ruin it."

"Like your father, or your ex?"

"Right."

"I see. We obviously don't want them coming along, do we? That's why it might be best to make a move on, right? Settling feels dangerous. For both of us."

"You have something to worry about as well?" Concern floods me. "Might something from your life ruin this? Ruin us?"

He shrugs one shoulder, giving me absolutely nothing. I don't like the way he won't meet my eyes though. I've been so worried about my history I didn't think of his. Even when he's mentioned it in parts, I've never gone too deep.

Now I wonder if I've been naïve.

Orson can't have a secret like mine.

"I've been lied to before." I can't stand being near him now. "My ex wasn't always honest with me and...well, it didn't end well."

"I'm not your ex. I'm not abusive. I haven't ever done anything to make you feel that way. I don't want to be compared to him. Just because I might have something in the closet as well."

"I've been honest with you about my closet. You should be as well."

Orson shakes his head and takes himself into the bathroom, locking the rest of the world out, including me. Do I know him as well as I think I do? This doesn't feel good at all. My eyes fix on the bathroom door and I so desperately want to see what's behind it, but I can't.

Not if he doesn't want to tell me.

What could it be? What could he hold onto that's so bad? His secret could be anything...

"Orson, you can't do this to me." We were having such a nice morning, we've been existing in such a lovely week, what happened? "Orson, come out. Talk to me."

I barely even notice the light breeze in our apartment whipping over my nude flesh. Not until my fist hammers on the door.

"Orson, don't do this. Please. Let's talk."

He's slipping through my fingers. Grains of sand melt away. I can't grip them however hard I try. I can't even be too mad at Orson because I haven't been fully honest, my closet does remain half-closed, but he doesn't know that.

Or maybe he does and that's why he's freaking out.

"Orson, if you have a problem, tell me. If you need something from me, I can't give it to you unless you let me know."

Silence.

A thick silence chokes me.

"Orson, don't." My nails claw at the door. "Don't shut me out. I hate being shut out, I can't stand it. It...it makes me feel all crazy."

Cash shut me out all the time.

I blamed myself, knew if I was better He wouldn't keep me away.

I blame myself now. I've done this to Orson, I don't know how but I have.

"Whatever you want..." My knees give way, my soaking face hits the carpet. "Whatever you need, Orson. Please. I need you. Talk to me. Talk..."

"I'm scared."

He sounds scared. I'm surprised by how frightened he sounds.

"Of me?" I press my hand to the door, picturing him doing the same. "You want me to go?"

"This is a scary life, Phoenix. Even if we're settled, there's always that feeling, isn't there? The sense something could come and tear us apart." The door opens at last and out he comes. "I can't really find the words to explain but there's a tension inside of me."

I rise to my feet. We face one another, waiting for either one of us to act. I thought me and Orson were growing closer. I didn't notice him drifting away from me with every passing second.

I've been living in a dream, him in a nightmare.

"Now what, Orson?"

"I wish I knew."