Darkside

Thirteen

Who the hell is that? Why the fuck is someone banging on my door at...God knows what time? I can't even be assed to move from this bed, but I suppose I will. Just in case.

"Yep, on my way."

Everything aches like I got hit by a bus. There's also a strange sinking feeling like my heart is in my ass and I can't pinpoint why. What the hell happened last night? How did I get so wasted? I barely remember anything.

The door is heavy. Or maybe my arms muscles suck. Either way it takes forever before I see who wants me, and it isn't housekeeping.

"Or...Orson."

Oh my God.

It's happened. He's here. He knows who I am because...I was on the news. Shit, someone who's running away doesn't want to end up on the news.

I remember Luvvie's smile now, her serene, happy-go-lucky expression on the screen, the girl who had absolutely no idea what was going to come.

"Hey! How's your hangover? You sounded out of it last night, but I saw how well you recovered last time so I didn't see any point in putting off my visit any longer."

Everything is creeping back to me, bit by terrifying bit.

This is why someone who's running away shouldn't drink alcohol. It's asking for trouble. I'm not helping myself here. I don't know if I deserve to hide honestly.

"How did you find me?" I gasping, breathless.

"You told me where you are. Last night. I only had to ask at the desk to get your room number."

Huh, so much for data protection. I guess that doesn't count for the people who need it most.

"Right, I see."

"Should I not have come? I'm sorry, you just seemed so keen last night..."

I toss my arms around him in a hug. I can't explain my actions, but I hold him like he's my only friend in the world. Just because we shared a drunken hookup I have no memory of, doesn't mean he's anything to me. He doesn't even know my real fucking name for crying out loud.

I'm an emotional wreck.

Whether it's the booze, the news report from last night, or this whole running away situation, I'm not sure. Something has me though.

"Are you okay, Phoenix?" Poor Orson doesn't know what's happening. Well, maybe he'll learn not to pounce on a girl unannounced in future. "Can I help somehow?"

Silence surrounds me.

"Okay, don't worry. Let me just hold you for a minute."

His heart pounds against my ear, a soothing sound. I've been so isolated, alone for ages, no one's known anything about me. Orson doesn't either, yet he keeps chasing after me as if he likes the parts of me I have let out.

"Why are you here? Why did you come?"

"I don't know. Maybe because I can't stop thinking about you, Phoenix." His eyes meet mine and I freeze. "I don't know what it is but ever since you came into my life I can't stop thinking about you. My friends think you stole something from me, that you just use people because you live on the road and everything, but nothing is missing..."

"I'm not a vagrant. Not really." That was defensive for someone who might as well be a vagrant. "What I mean by that is you don't know everything."

"Oh, of course not, Phoenix Tamika."

"What?"

"Phoenix Tamika...that's what they said you booked the room under. Is that not your name?"

Shit. Seems like I chose a surname without knowing it. Was I pissed?

"Oh right, yeah, I just didn't know you knew it, that's all."

I might as well be on fire I'm so hot.

"Right, so anyway..." He's eyeing me curiously. I feel like I get that look a lot from him. "I know I don't know much about you. You're a complete mystery to me. But you intrigue me and I want to know more. I left everything behind to come here to learn more about you. I left my job, got all my savings, left my room...I'm all in."

"No," I snap back much too quickly. "No, you can't be all in."

"Why not? If you don't take risks in life, you don't get anywhere, do you? Don't worry, I'm not expecting us to fall in love and live some fairy tale happy ever after. But I think finding out more about you is worth the risk."

"You can't." I fall backwards creating a chasm of distance between us. "You can't give up everything for me. You wouldn't want to if you knew what it meant."

No one can get close to me. No one can be anywhere near me.

"What's that supposed to mean? Tell me, Phoenix. I want to know. I want to be in your world. That's why I came here..."

His touch sparks electricity, but not the good kind. I hit the wall snatching away.

"You shouldn't have come here, you can't be here. You don't know who I am, what I'm doing, what will happen..."

The walls close in around me, I can't breathe again, I might as well be back there with him.

Hands, blood, stabs wounds, scars.

"Go, Orson." My knees hit the floor, my palms splay out, I can't get air. "Leave me. Trust me you have to. It'll be the best thing you ever do for yourself."

I want the door to open, to slam behind him, for his footsteps to grow quieter as he saves himself by getting as far away from me as he can. I want it so badly I hear it, I live it, I feel it.

"I'm not going anywhere."

But none of its true. I don't know how I've done it but Orson's so intrigued by me he's willing to throw himself in the firing line just to stay with me. He has no idea why I'm a mess, I'm sure he has a million ideas, all wrong, but he's willing to remain,

Perhaps if I'd met a man like Orson in the first place, I wouldn't be in this mess.

"It's dangerous. I'm dangerous, you don't understand." I'll say anything, whatever I need to make him go. Anything but my real identity. "Orson, I like you too much to endanger you."

"I like you too much as well, which is why I won't leave you like this."

His arms, so warm, so comforting. I shouldn't, but I fall into them. This is the first person who has ever wanted to take care of me, and I so want to let him.

"Let me just stay with you." His whispering words tickle my skin. "Just tonight. I need to know you're okay. Then, if you still need me to leave, I will. But tonight, I will be with you."

I can't resist. Rationality wants me to, but desire to have Orson here prevails. I understand what he means, we do share a strange, unexplained connection. There's something between us and has been ever since we first laid eyes on one another.

"Just tonight. Then you have to take care of yourself, Orson. You need to get your life back."

Orson lifts me. He takes me to the bed and we fall upon it together. The sheets remain beneath our panting, desperate bodies. His fingers trace over my skin leaving flames behind, heating me up, opening my body to allow air to flood me once more.

"I'm here for you, you know? I want to help you, Phoenix. I have to help you. You came into my life for a reason and I won't turn my back on that. I can't."

I blink the tears away. I can't be in anyone's lives for any reason. How can I make Orson understand that?