Darkside

Twenty-Two

Hands, holding tight. Air, hard to grab, leaving lungs, turning blue.

The end. The end is coming. The end for Luvvie.

Missing: presumed dead.

I gently graze my fingers over my throat, almost as if I'm losing air right now. I'm lucky these days, I can't forget that. Orson might have secrets, but they aren't the sort of secrets that will kill me. I won't need to start a third time.

"We can move on." My tone is as grave as the words I speak, the second he wakes up to find me sitting beside him on the bed. "I shouldn't get too settled anywhere anyway. There's always the risk that staying still will get me caught."

The mattress wobbles and shakes as he rolls off it. I can't meet his eyes, can't look at him or he'll know I'm lying. Even if it's safer, I don't want to go anywhere. I don't feel like we've given the ocean enough time yet and I do really love it here.

This is my childhood dream come true. But I also need Orson.

"I've actually been thinking we shouldn't go." Orson scratches his flushed, embarrassed cheek. "Because running forever isn't going to work for us, is it? Not if we're going to make a life for ourselves." His hands snake into mine, interlacing with my fingers. "And I want that. I've never wanted anything more. There's a reason I chased after you."

Bright, happy images consume me. A life me and Orson could easily build together here with the full shebang. Marriage, kids, growing old together...that sort of thing. It's bright and warm, the sort of life I've never had before, the sort I've always craved.

"As I settle on going, you want to stay," I chuckle. "What shall we pick?"

"You don't want to go." Huh, seems he knows me too well. "So, we're staying. I don't even know what came over me last night anyway. It was just a blip. I just had a moment."

Is that going to be a common thing? I should know, shouldn't I? This isn't the time to ask though. If it was a blip and Orson's happy to give me what I want, I need to be pleased too.

"Okay, well if you're happy to stay then me too." I throw my arms around his neck. "I think it's for the best. But if you're ever not happy then tell me. We can talk it through. We're in this together."

Orson's silence speaks volumes.

If only I knew what to say to make it better, but right now I sense anything will make it worse.

The blip remains. It hasn't gone anywhere yet, but this is Orson, so I'm sure it will...

***

Darkness flows like the enemy through the apartment. I'm late in, drinks with Aimee went on too long, Orson will probably be sleeping. All I need to do is ensure I don't disturb him.

"Phoenix?"

I leap, I suck in a sharp breath through my teeth.

"Oh God, Orson." I clutch my hand to my pounding chest. "I didn't want to wake you."

"I waited up for you. I thought you were coming back straight after work."

I hit the light switch. I need the comfort of unnatural light right now. I need to see Orson or I'll never be able to work out his mood. I don't want to be on edge.

"How did you get that bruise on your arm?"

I snatch away, the memory of something striking me so hard I can't bear for Orson to touch me. Unexplained bruises were once a staple part of my existence.

"I don't know." It's almost an automatic reaction. "Work, maybe."

"You sure it wasn't at the bar?"

I shrug, unable to meet his gaze.

"Well, it looks sore. Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Just leave it alone. Don't touch it. It hurts when you do..."

"Right." Poor Orson. He doesn't understand, he can't. "Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you."

I don't say anything, there are no words.

"I know you had some bad times, but..."

"Don't," I hiss. "Don't talk about it. I can't."

Least of all right now. I definitely shouldn't have had that last shot. It didn't even taste good, like burning poison.

"Would it help if I told you about my past then?" Orson can't keep the bitterness from his voice. "It's an ugly story, but one I'll tell if it helps."

Again, I say nothing, but I silently plead for his life. I've always thought knowing what he's running away from will help me.

"My mother was addicted to drugs before I was born. My father, probably one of her clients. The home I was raised in, a crack den filled with addicts and never any food. Somehow, I never made it into any system so no one cared enough to check up on me. I was a teen runaway, but never destined to end up like her. I always wanted more."

I don't know if this is the truth, but perhaps that's because of all my lies.

"Sounds horrible."

I want to offer him some physical comfort, but I'm frozen.

"I got through it. Just like you got through your story. So, you aren't alone." His smile is weak. "We aren't too different, you and I. We're on the same team."

"Did anything..." Big gulp. "Happen to you? A bit like..." I offer up my arm, my bruise.

"All sorts happened to me. Things I don't like remembering. But it made me stronger."

Phoenix is supposed to be stronger too, she wouldn't ever fall for the same things as Luvvie, but she's weak as well. Sometimes, weaker.

"We're together," I whisper, accepting what Orson's been trying to tell me all along. "No one else matters. No one will find us and break us apart, as long as we're together."

He holds me, my heart aches, I need to let go, to give in at last.

I thought I'd given in already, but now I can see I was always holding just a little piece of me back. Not anymore though, now I give all of myself to him.

Well, all of Phoenix. He gets none of Luvvie but I'm sure he wouldn't want her. No one would.

"Life doesn't always need to be hard." Orson's velvety fingers run through my hair. "It doesn't always need to be a fight. Me and you have always fought, not through our choice, but we've battled because we've had to. But now...now me and you can live."

Blackness overcomes me, my eyelids fall closed.

I can live. I need to live. It's my time.

I died to live. Now I need to follow through on that.

"The bruises always last a while. Always. I don't like the ugly way they look." A lump balls up in my throat. "They're a stain, a reminder of something I don't want to remember."

"I know, and I get things have been strained between me and you as well. But now I've shown you myself, there's a calm in my chest that wasn't there before. I've turned a corner, and now all of that is behind me for good. Now it's just me and you."