Darkside

Twenty-Four

Living in a murder mystery.

Some people crave it, want it more than anything else in the world, they want it so much they try to make their lives one without much success. It isn't something to manufacture, there are too many variations, too much can go wrong. Still, they strive for it, do whatever they can, forgetting about reality along the way.

Not me.

I never wanted it, but I'm in one anyway. I've always lived in one and I hate it. It isn't great, it isn't cool, it simply leaves a person with a big hole inside them that can't be filled with anything.

I've tried.

Tried and failed too many times, including now.

"I am no good for you."

Words, just words. They never mean anything, just like the apologies. Saying sorry isn't worth the effort if behavior won't change afterwards. We all know this, yet we continue dancing to the same tune over and over.

"It's drinking. Alcohol is my trigger. It does something to me."

It's a cycle, a vicious one. How does a person escape it?

"It won't happen again."

Sobbing and weeping won't get anyone anywhere.

"I'm sorry."

We're always sorry, aren't we? After we do something wrong. It's such a small word which fixes so much.

Sorry, I lied.

Sorry, I cheated.

Sorry, I promised you the world and I left you abandoned with nothing,

I've heard the word 'sorry' from all the men in my life, but I've never seen what sorry looks like. I've never seen anyone pick up and do different in the future, which makes it just another meaningless word that language doesn't need. Like the silent 'K' at the beginning of the word 'knife' it's a waste of time.

Now, I associate the word 'sorry' with emptiness, numbness, nothingness.

"S'okay."

A nothing reply to a nothing word.

"Let's just forget about it."

Again, one of those things people say that means nothing. It can't be forgotten, can it? Not when the dynamic has shifted irrevocably. We can try and move on, we might even succeed, but the memory and the damage done won't go anywhere.

"We have a life here. A future. We should keep working towards that."

I fought for that future, didn't I? Even when I told Orson I would leave with him, I didn't want to. I fought for the ocean, for my job, for my friends, I wanted this.

"Yes, let's forget it all. Let's move on. We have too much to hope for."

I can't run anymore, not if I want to be here. I have to fight and remain.

Maybe we can fix each other anyway. We might be two broken people right now, but broken people don't need to stay that way forever. People heal, it happens all the time, every day, with just some work. I'm willing to work, I bet Orson is too.

I reach out and take his hand in mine, smiling happily. He grins too and I feel it, a surge of determination rising up within me. We can do this. We can. We have to. Both of us have sacrificed too much to go backwards. The only way is up now, and the only chance we have of that is together.

Mistakes can be made, I'm the first to admit that. Bad things happen to good people, but they don't have to define us, to dictate our lives forever, we can turn our murder mystery into a romcom...or something more realistic. A drama, perhaps. Something with a happy ending anyway.

And they lived happily ever after...