CLN's Seasonal Reviews (CLOSED)

Scripted in Blood - FirstNailInTheCoffin

REVIEW DONE BY: Krippy93

In general, I like your writing style and your dialogues. They really feel real and this is not an easy task to achieve. The bad side of this is that it feels like you're focusing on dialogues too much, leaving aside descriptive sequences and action scenes. You have a tendency of telling the reader what's happening instead of showing it. Here's a more in-depth analysis of the five chapters I've read:

Chap. 4 I liked that you wanted to portray a cruel character that is like that because of the name he bears but not because he has gained his position. This is something that is further developed in the reaction his father has at the end of the chapter about his behaviour. The thing that I didn't like at all was how you described the rape - or rather, how you DIDN'T described it at all. If you're trying to make the reader feel disgusted for what's happening, to make it hate Gabriel for what he's doing and make it feel empathy for Lilith that's going through a terrible experience, you have to describe it in detail. I wanna know how she feels at every movement, I wanna know what he says to her, I wanna feel the creepiness of his words and of his touch. I wanna be disgusted. Instead, you told me that he raped her and that's it. I don't feel empathy - actually, I don't feel anything. You need to work on this.

Chap. 5 Another good idea poorly developed. Here, you want to tell the readers how crazy and battle-oriented the Chausse is, but you actually are NOT describing the fight. How can I know if Aions is really good at fighting if I don't actually see him fight? For example, you told me, again, that Aions lost his mind after the punch and assaulted Ricky so violently he thought he was going to kill him. Let's say you don't wanna describe the actual moves: okay, so then describe the feelings. Describe where and how he feels pain: is it sharp? Is it like a punch or like a kick?  It's a fight but I don't feel engaged in it, I don't feel the pace of the assault or the pain he feels. The ending is great, but the shortness of this heated moment doesn't make me enjoy the chapter properly.  Improve this action scene!

Chap. 6 This one was actually kinda good, the only thing that dazzled me a bit was after Alessandro speech when he suddenly kisses Sandra. I would have loved a little bit more of tension between them to feel what they are feeling, so the ending would not feel so rushed. Descriptive sequences can be useful for that: don't tell the readers, show them! Especially if it's in 3rd point of view!

Chap. 7 Again, the sexual scene feels rushed. It's okay if you don't want to describe everything, but at least don't jump so quickly to another scene after just two lines. It feels like every character here is a sex version of Speedy Gonzales. Besides, you do this shit TWICE in the chapter, damn you! I also feel like a bit more description of Sabrina as soon as he saw her would have been good: what does she look like? What colour are her eyes? Her hair? How does she move? How does her voice sound like? I know you wanted to go for the "Oh wow so she's this person!" reaction, but descriptions help you build the tension!

Chap. 8 This one was good. Dialogues are your strong point, it's clear! Just add in a little bit more of description in-between dialogues to make it perfect.

Characters: I like that you have a big cast and that you're trying to portray very different gangs and styles at the same time. Each character feels like it has a unique quirk, which make them all interesting. It is also easy to grasp their personalities while reading just by reading about their reactions or how they speak, great work.But, you know who seems a bit underdeveloped? The main characters. Both Lilith and Ricky feel similar: the same arrogance, the same attitude; they almost speak the same too! I think the reason for this is that you're trying to write in first person but at the same time you describe through their eyes a lot of things that are NOT happening to them. They're more like children watching the adults do their thing, almost afraid of adding in their own character in-between the lines. Their inner voice feels very similar too; it's not easy to distinguish between Lilith's POV and Ricky's by the writing style only.

Grammar: Generally speaking it's a well written book. You need a quick proofreading to fix some mistakes like typos and repetitions but it's good. I think that your sequences are a bit too chunky, with very few spaces between paragraphs and dialogue lines. It may be difficult to read from the app. Keep in mind that it's not always pleasant to see three or four dialogues lines all in the same chunk of text, with very few tags describing the actions in-between.

Overall: I think this is a good book that needs some refining to really shine. It's an action story but you have to make the readers feel the action, don't tell them!