CLN's Seasonal Reviews (CLOSED)

The Dark Street by Super_Black_Hole

REVIEW DONE BY: loverdolphin57

It was requested by the author that I focus mainly on the emotions of the main character aswell as better examples of editing and how to bring emotions into the text. I will try to focusmainly on these topics, while giving details on other aspects.

Summary

This is a horror story about a person who goes down a narrow street to avoid a trafficjam, and ends up being transported to another world filled with mystics andsupernatural occurrences that have a hold on them no matter where they go.

I was requested to start at the prologue, which would mean I would end at chapterfour, but instead, I continued my review on to the fifth chapter for the followingreason:

Your prologue isn't a prologue and more of an author's note where you tell very littleabout the story itself and more about your inspiration and why you started the story.A prologue is not a requirement for a story, which is why I did not mind your story nothaving one, but a prologue is meant to give us a glimpse into the story, what it will beabout and what to expect. Basically an introduction to the story.

If you'd like your story to have that, then it can, and you can easily add it, but it is notnecessary.

Chapter 1

Chapter one begins by showing and describing to us the traffic jam that the main character iscaught in. In terms of emotions and personality, I got to feel how agitated and impatient themain character was, but it didn't seem to be enough. Try to use words such as groaned,sighed, to explain how they felt. Provide the reader with more internal monologue so that weknow what they're feeling and how exactly each scene and action is affecting them.

The scene in the traffic jam seemed to have stretched on for too long. You could haveexplained everything to us in two paragraphs or less, but it stretched on for a bit too long,which I also noticed that you tend to do a lot within just this paragraph alone.

It makes the story lose its hook and feel longer than it needs to be. More strung out.There was a lack of description in general when it came to location and there were hardlyany literary devices used in the chapter.

It then continues on to where the main character goes down a narrow street to avoid thetraffic jam and ends up in a new, supernatural type of world.

Taking into consideration your request when it came to emotional portrayal and expression,this chapter could have had so many emotions that you did not portray. When the maincharacter went down the street and ended up in another world, you could have explained tous how their heart thumped in their chest, how they were hesitant to look around the newsurroundings because they were scared of the unknown. Their confusion and disorientationdue to the fact that they are now lost and do not know where they are.

When the main character saw a new person, it could have been ranging from the womanshe saw on the roof, to the crying woman, or anyone else, you could have expressed heremotions from something as simple as a frown and her eyebrows scrunching.

Most of this chapter felt like it was being narrated by someone else, rather than the main character themselves.

When it came to describing surroundings, I knew where the person was, but most of it had to be filled in by my own imagination because very little detail was given on it. Add more descriptions of what they see and include a lot of imagery so that we can see what it is that the main character is seeing.

As the chapter went on and we reached the point where the main character was being chased, that would have been a perfect opportunity for you to give us the main character's emotions. Since they were being chased, it was a "race against time" sort of situation. You could have added how they frantically peddled on their bike to get away from the speedy crowd and how scared being chased made them feel.