CLN's Seasonal Reviews (CLOSED)

His Sarcasm Queen by Missfairygirl_12

REVIEW DONE BY : AimForThe Top

Summary :

Julia Emerson, a senior and her group of friends are getting into some crazy adventure. Their school's principal decided to take them to a camping trip, uniting the students with students from another school as a symbol of an alliance and unending friendship.

Julia is fated to meet a certain guy that will change her life, he has a cocky side but his feelings are definitely friendly, Julia's sarcasm can't help but get in the way, she's definitely different.

Chap 1 :

This chapter started out well, i really appreciate the fact that it didn't start with a normal predictable waking up scene. Showing that Julia is ready is a way better start. So congrats on that. However there is a way to make it better, try adding her seeing her reflection in the mirror hence get the chance to actually describe Julia's look.

Seeing Julia forgot breakfast makes me guess you are working on her personality as in she is clumsy and got to the point of forgetting the most important meal of the day. Character design is important, but let's keep it realistic, people usually never forget breakfast maybe you should show her clumsiness by another factor that is up to you.

One more thing, the mother figure you showed, didn't actually seem as a parent, i am referring to the care and love a parent has for their kid. As in not a hug nothing, you should work on that character design a little more to make her a mother no doubt about it.

Little comment about Julia meeting her friends again. You said "finally meet" meaning they didn't go out much on summer break. But they are seniors therefore are old enough to go out together and have fun. Careful about the words you use, they can mess with the story and bring confusion upon the readers.

Also, Alex is Julia's best friend, so she woke up one hour before school to wake up her lazy best friend. The thing is there was an interaction between Julia and Alex's dad meaning Alex has parents, why don't they wake him up ? That trait of character is essential when talking about parents, it would be more suitable if she went to her friend's home and found out he was still asleep, then waited downstairs to walk to school together, that would show the parents' affection and Alex's laziness. So two birds one stone ?

I love the fact that you killed any idea of romantic relationship between Alex and Julia, and that by letting Alex refer to Julia as « sis » showing only friendship and deleting any hope of love. That is important in character development as well as the feelings, it clarified the relationships present between Julia and her friends.

However you do have some issues with the dialogues, the actions are predictable that isn't the problem. The thing is when someone speaks there is emotion in what they say. A person can be tired, confused, cold, lovely, sarcastic, sleepy. Try and show it in your dialogues by adding small sentences like « he said sleepily » or « she announced excitement written all over her face » that makes the story far more enjoyable.

Another thing that caught my attention. The paragraphs are practically non-existent. The sentences are too small, but i can't blame you since the actions and explanations are pretty quick.

One more detail, usually when someone is shot with ice cold water, it only makes sense they scream or even react as in any kind of reaction, jump off the bed, shout, etc. I find it intriguing that Alex had no reaction whatsoever and just ended up waking up, dressing up and heading to school.
Try adding something like "his high pitched scream reached my ears, but i was already halfway to the door. I stopped and half-turned to shoot him a victory smirk."

My only regret is not seeing more descriptions more feelings, emotions. This being the first chapter might be the reason, but improving is a must. Also pay attention to not making the sentences end abruptly and move on to another subject. Readers find that rather irritating.