CLN's Seasonal Reviews (CLOSED)

Don't give up on me - by KarenJ128

REVIEW DONE BY : Krippy93

Summary :

We started from chapter 21 so the story is already advanced at this point, but it was quite easy to understand what happened in the previous chapters.

Isla is our main character.

She is a shy yet gorgeous girl who got into an accident and lost her parents (I don't know how though). Hayden is a guy her age that helps her going through her difficulties; he's gentle and handsome and has a dark past. In fact, his parents died too in a fire and he's now in foster care. Isla now lives with him and other friends of them that have similar past, but just when she starts thinking that they turned out to be a nice big family, her old girl friends came in destroying everything. We now know that she used to be friend with Kaira, but she has now turned her back to Isla and joined forced with Chelsea, the school queen.

Lucas, which is Isla's childhood friend, once hated her for unknown reasons but now wants her forgiveness. He joins her side too, which now makes him one of the 'freaks' of the school while Isla's considered a 'slut' just because she lives with guys.

Apparently, both Hayden and Lukas are in love with her, but she has mixed feelings. She then meets a new guy, Killian, and that fated encounter between them lights sparks between them.

The story turns out to be a sort of Mean Girls but with kids that have horrible pasts hidden in their closets: we'll see girls fight to win over the boys' hearts, boys fight to win over the girl heart (only one, since Isla is the love interest of basically everyone) and terrible insults and bullying from the 'barbies' of the school to the poor shy girl.

 

Chapter 21 :

This is the chapter where we see Isla getting out of the Hospital with Hayden. He's gentle and nice with her and we also see his non-existent interest for other girls except for Isla.

The thing that bugged me in this chapter was the moment he told her about his past. This part is a big chunk of dialogue that feels almost matter-of-factly instead of a meaningful and emotional moment between the two. To improve it, I suggest you to split the dialogue (Hayden's only obviously) in smaller chunks, add more tags to describe his inner feelings (for example how his lips tremble when talking about the fire, how he tries to avoid her gaze when remembering those moments, the guilt that transpires from his gestures like twisting his hands etc.)

Remember that humans communicate mostly by body language and not words. We cannot see him, nor we can hear his voice, but you can describe these things to us to make us picture the scene perfectly. Don't tell us he's terrified of his memories, show us!

 

Chapter 22 :

Here we see the fighting between Isla, Hayden, Nick and the newcomers Kaira and Luke. We learn about their previous fights and how now Lucas wants to make amends and become friends again. Kaira is not on the same page as him, though, since she wants Isla out and keeps on bullying her, calling her a 'slut' out of the blue. The dialogue here is intended to be heated and hurtful, full of different emotions from both Kaira and Lucas, but I only see the words and not the emotions. Again, try adding some body language into the scene. You tried to, like when Lucas yells at Kaira to leave, but it's not enough. I want to see their rage, I want to feel how desperate Kaira is to be friend with them again, I want to feel how sorry Lucas is and his desire to have Isla's forgiveness.

 

Chapter 23 :

Here, Isla has run away from the house and took shelter in a small park. She is lost in her thoughts and quietly cries while thinking about everything that happened between her and the boys, how she used to love Lucas and how she has now mixed feelings for Hayden. While she cries, a mysterious guy approaches her and tries to befriend her, so they exchange a few words and then suddenly hug.