VIANNIARA
"Viann, hija, buksan mo ang pintuan." Manang knocked on the door. Nakatulala lamang ako habang lumuluha.
I wanted to tell my family. I wanted their support. I want to be stronger with them. At this moment I feel like giving up. If I could just only be more efficient while having this curse, I would. I'm a living disappointment in the family. And now, pati ba naman sa mga huling sandali ng buhay ko ganoon pa rin.
I'm nothing but a mere misfortune to this family.
Can I just turn back time? Yung mga panahong kaya 'ko pang mag-sumbong kay mommy o kay Daddy. Yung mga panahon na hindi pa kontrabida ang turing sa akin ng buong pamilya. Can I? Just for a moment.
I would trade everything I have just to have the capability of turning back time. I promise to do better, I promise to be better than this.
But isn't it your best strike, Viann?
Somehow, yes. I know in my self that this is my all. I'm at my limitations. I became the best daughter as I can be. I achieved as many as I can just to get a single glimpse of my parents attention but nothing happened. Maybe because hindi ko naman kailangan gawin ang mga 'yon. They wouldn't just give it to me.
On the other side, I'm too tired for this. I did my part. I did my best. I did everything as hard as I could but the problem isn't with me, it's their's.
But spare me one last try. I wanted to stay with them for the last time. Please.
One last try before I let go of them. One more chance before I accept the fact that I will always be a living nightmare for my parents.
I slowly wipe my tears. I calm my self before deciding to head downstairs to at least explain my side. Pero bago ko pa man mapihit ang door knob, I felt a slight pang on my lower rib in the left side. Then, suddenly my head started to spin. Napahawak ako sa hamba ng pintuan habang kinakalma ang sarili. Damn!
Hindi ko na kinaya ang sakit at napaupo na lang ako sa sahig habang mariing nakahawak sa hawakan ng pinto na tila ba doon nanggagaling ang lakas ko.
"Vianniara, hija, pakiusap lumabas ka riyan at nang magka-usap tayo," patuloy na pagkatok ni Manang.
The pain did not subside. It's so painful that I could hardly breathe. When I manage to stand up, I immediately open my secret drawer inside my dresser where I put my medicine. Dali-dali ko 'yong ininom.
Kinalma ko ang sarili ko habang patuloy na nanghihina. I can't let them see me in my state like this. I settled on my bed and close my eyes until my breathing became normal.
My eyes are wet from crying kaya unti-unti ko itong pinunasan. Tumama ang mga mata ko sa kamay ko na puno ng mga pasa. I can feel my limps swelling as well.
Muling nangilid ang luha ko dahil sa nararamdaman. This is getting worse than I imagine. It's fine, Viann. At least your trying your best to fight. Best...
It's tiring to always do your best. It draining every time you push your self to the core eventhough you know exactly that you've had enough. And that is what I'm feeling right now. But again, for the last time, I'll do my best to fight.
Out of nowhere, I become certain that this will be my last best shot for this lifetime.
Pagkatapos ng ilang magkakasunod na katok ay nagsalita si Manang, "Bumaba ka na lang, hija, kapag maayos na ang pakiramdam mo, okay?"
Hindi na ako nakapagsalita. Nakatitig na lang ako sa pinto. Hanggang sa nakatulog ako. When I woke up, I just stared back at the familiar ceiling of my room. Huminga muna ako ng malalim bago maingat na bumangon mula sa kama.
