The Marionette • Chuuya X Reader

13: Insomnia

You thought maybe a shower would help you wash yourself of the remainders of his subtle touches, that maybe the water over your ears would take away the way every small whisper of his words and clear your mind of the nightmarish shadows he's stuck to the corners of your room, your walls crumbling down around you.

You no longer know what you are holding on to, though you want nothing more than to hold on to someone as you try to put back together the missing pieces of your glass heart, desperately searching as if you had lost them. Coming out of your shower, you leave your wet hair to fall around your face, dark circles around your eyes being the proof of your restless thoughts torturing your insides. Silky sleep-wear wraps around your body as you catch your reflection in the small mirror in your room, the remnants of your past still haunting you. With a shiver you turn away, sitting at the edge of your bed, eyes on your shaking hands, breathing shallow and your eyes full of sadness.

What was the purpose of Dazai's visit?

He made it clear he couldn't care less about what happens to me.

He made it clear I'm still stuck being nothing but his doll being passed on by men that don't care.

I thought...I hoped that I'd see him and he'd apologize, give me any reason as to why he left...

I thought...

I thought I was making progress with Chuuya...that maybe he was seeing something else in me.

He's just another authority I belong to.

I'm nothing.

Why?

Was I never worth anything? Was it all in my head? Has everything I hoped for been illusions to make me feel better?

Am I only my ability?

Perhaps I'm only as good as my faceless creations controlling actions, dismissing the feelings...

Maybe it's best this way.

You fall on your back, eyes glued on the roof as the night passes, every time your heavy eyelids fall being jolted awake by the memory of Dazai's arrogant eyes on you, piercing your every detail.

Is everything I do my own choice? Or is it just an echo of what Dazai would have chosen for me?

If I sleep, is that letting him win? Is that confirming that I can do nothing but accept his words?

There are points throughout the night where you can hardly breathe, your body begging to fall asleep and allow the night to pass peacefully, but your mind flutters with thought ruled by the fear of proving them all right, proving that you are really just a doll. More than once, your thoughts wander to Chuuya, the brief relief you had felt with him at the party, the way he had held you when you asked him for one dance...

I can't.

As the night further progresses, you only end up sleeping for an hour or two until morning rolls around, a ring from your phone waking you up just as you had been about to drift off again into sleep. Eyes still heavy with restlessness, you reach over and check to see who it is.

Chuuya.

Looking at the messages he had left you, you're a bit surprised when it's only him telling you that you have to help him organize some files; that there wouldn't be any new missions for you for a few days until it's all done. You are even more surprised, however, when you see that those messages had been sent half an hour ago, and the ringing you had just heard was a missed call from the executive. Gasping and immediately getting up from your bed, though dizzy from the lack of sleep, you throw on some simple, dark clothes, wearing your trench coat over out of comfort and doing your hair up quickly so that though it looked a bit messy, it would do. With nothing else on your mind, worried about how you would be looking for being so late Chuuya actually had to call you again, you rush to the lower storage rooms of the Port Mafia headquarters, where the view is of the calm waters of the port almost touching the ground floor.