The Marionette • Chuuya X Reader

27: Repercussions

Are you afraid too?

I love you

I love you

I love you

Hearing the words come out of your mouth in between the heat of the kisses like a sigh that could no longer be contained, you feel your heart cease to beat as those three words surprise even you; Chuuya's lips hovering over yours in short breaths as everything seems to stop. Eyes wide open now, they don't leave the astounded blue of the executive's, a rush of alarm flooding through you, blood turning to ice. You hadn't meant to say it out loud, you hadn't meant for him to hear it so soon. You don't understand your own feelings towards him well enough, all you know is that they exist and you didn't want to lose him, so you spoke in the moment without thinking, intoxicated by the reminders of his touch. Though nothing is said, you can see Chuuya's cheeks turning pink as his eyes search your face and try to grasp the depth of what you just admitted.

Is he mad?

What is he feeling?

Why won't he say anything?

"I'm sorry...I didn't mean..." You add softly when you don't get a response, stepping away from Chuuya in small steps, head turning away from his gaze in complete embarrassment as you ignore a sudden odd pain in your legs when you move back, the feeling small and fleeting.

What am I saying? All I've said is the complete truth.

"I...you didn't mean it?" Chuuya has a hard time finding his words, the question in his tone a little wary, a piece of his red hair falling over his nose as he tilts it quizzically, hands dropped at his sides and an eyebrow raised.

Say yes.

Say you meant it.

Tell him how he makes you feel.

"I don't..."

Why cant I say it again?

•••

You have no memory of ever being told you are loved. You have no memory of knowing how to recognize the feeling, other than the fleeting emotions surrounding admiration and attachment having to do with a need of the persons presence. A need carved into your head you are now just learning to let go.

Has anyone ever actually loved you?

You can't answer it for yourself, but you are sure the answer is no. At the orphanage hardly anyone actually turned your way. Taken in by Mori, though he did many things that are considered acts of love, you know he never loved you in a genuine way as he loves his ability, Elise. You never felt any warmth from the boss. You didn't want to. Then of course, there is Dazai, whom you have thought you had love and care for until you realized there was never any real reason for you to feel any kindness towards him.

He abused your gifts, your mind. Disguising it under the simple fact that he claimed to have saved you, taming you with his mesmerizing light brown eyes in which you could see yourself in.

He never loved you.

He never cared.