The Marionette • Chuuya X Reader

31: Longing

"I just want to stay with you a little longer"

1 month after your first date with Chuuya, life became like a grudge through honey. Everything around you seemed to slow down, everything seemed sweeter, gilded with gold. You felt your soul become freer, lighter. You began to go out whenever you could to feel the night air cooling as the seasons began to change, experiencing that change for almost the first time since Dazai had kept you locked in the Port Mafia. The only thing that kept you fighting for your place was the new team up of you and Akutagawa, any mission involving the two of you to work together usually ending in one of you battered and bleeding while the other took credit for the work, that other usually being the unapologetic rabid dog of the mafia.

Still, amongst that portion of chaos, there are moments as the one you are in now that keep you grounded, keep you in that rosy wonder of the new life you were beginning to grow into.

"I have to go."

"Do you want to?"

"Does it matter?"

"A little."

Your kisses are only broken when either of you answers the other, your hand pulling at Chuuya's bolo tie to keep him as close as possible, the warmth of his body a familiar feeling to you now, one you missed. It had been a while since it had been just you two, the executive always away busy with Port Mafia business now that you weren't under his service, and you being forced to go on missions with Akutagawa. There were only small moments in between when you'd run in to each other and with no one else in sight, you or him would pull the other into an empty office and melt to each other's touch, engulfed in the initiating kiss, sometimes a little more.

You make all the white noise in my mind quiet down. You always have, but more even now that we-

"I want nothing more than to enjoy more with you, to waste all our time..."

Chuuya's words make your heart flutter as he trails the kisses up to your ear and whispers, the way his low voice hums sounding like the way silk feels against your skin. Pulling you in against him so that you're in an almost hugging position, Chuuya slowly trails his gloved hand against your waist while the other caresses your face as he pulls away, your eyes meeting and glowing with affection even in the dim light of the small room.

"...but you know we both have to work."

You sigh, letting go of Chuuya and biting your lip in disappointed thought as you look away. You know he's right, you know the Port Mafia should come first, but your heart only begs for the red-headed executive's undivided attention. It was all new and odd to you, but ever since that first date...

We've never labeled the relationship we have.

"Fine, you're right. I'm sorry." You agree softly, pushing past him and out of the room to hide the hurt and confusion obvious in your face before he caught up with you.

"Tsk, don't say sorry. I'll see you again soon." Chuuya takes hold of your shoulder and gives it a squeeze, guilt all over the blue of his irises making you feel better for the only reason that it's proof he means everything he says. That he wants you as much as you want him.

"Ok." Is all you say as you watch him fix the hat on his head and walk away from you, the same confidence in every step as always, no matter what. He doesn't look back, but you are sure he knows you watch until you can't see him anymore, a sharp pang being left in your heart.

It's not that I don't believe him...

I just never know what to think around him.

He helps me forget my pain, but sometimes I want someone to understand...

I want him to understand.

I love Chuuya,

But I belonged to someone else before him, and I was only used. He helped me through it, but...

What are we? Does he want us to be anything?

Does he know that I haven't changed? I'm still the marionette with the ability of a marionettist.

I'm scared of him getting bored. I'm scared he'll wake up one day and realize all I've done and realize he never liked the damaged parts of me, only our connection...

How do I tell him I still have nightmares when I'm alone? That Dazai's voice is still-

"[f/n]."

Turning around in surprise, you're met with an annoyed-looking Akutagawa, his head tilted slightly to the side as he tries to put together what you had been doing, his grey eyes narrowed quizzically.

"Why haven't you responded to any of Higuchi's calls?"

"What do you mean?" You ask nervously before your heart leaps out of your chest and eyes widen when you take out your phone, seeing many missed calls from the blonde after all.

"Oh..."

"We were supposed to be at the lobby already to discuss our newest mission, yet I had to look for you myself. Why?" Akutagawa's low voice makes your confidence whither, the way he's stopped less than a meter away from you with his hands in his coat pockets so casually though everything abut the way he looks at you is far from casual.

"I...why does it matter to you? So you can just keep calling me incompetent? Worthless? You think I'm nothing without Dazai don't you?" You snap at him, the unknown source of your sudden anger only helping you to stand up to the dark, young man, though his exasperated expression shifts to resentment the moment you say Dazai's name.

"This has nothing to do with him anymore. Does Chuuya know you still think about him?" Akutagawa scoffs, turning away from you and covering a cough as he walks away with an eye roll.

You know you have to follow him, but for a few seconds you feel your whole body freeze as your blood turns to ice when Akutagawa mentions Chuuya, his words hitting your heart directly.

"I don't still..." you begin softly, but you stop yourself when you realize you'd just be lying.

It's not the same.

Dazai never...Dazai only hurt me for his own pleasures.

I hate what he did, I hate those parts of me.

But isn't he still in your mind too, Akutagawa?

"Nothing matters to you anyways. You're still fighting for an approval you're never going to get." You mumble under your breath, though you know that by the time you recollected yourself in front of the mafioso and caught up to him, you know he's heard you.

You see it in his face with a simple glance, the way your comment hurts him, the way doubt clouds over his usually arrogant expression. There isn't any anger, just grief. In that brief moment, you're reminded he is more than just a devil in your eyes. He is another victim.

"Just keep up today, or I'll leave you to die this time."