Pure-sue \ pər-ˈsü , -ˈsyü \

ONE

LEX

I.
I turned into my daily routine after some excessive show of physical energy. I made myself suited and get readied to reflect. I am a person who usually trains his mind, making it to transcend as oppose to the normal people do.

I even rationalize my personal appearance. I have a very dark and deep set of eyes which is adorned with thick eyebrows and long eye lashes. The small and pointed nose seems to suit perfectly with the eyes and the thin, soft lips. Though, the imperfection is seen in the teeth which is currently being fixed by brackets, some could still see my prototype Asian nature. I was named Lex by my parents with the hope that I could be a lawyer someday since my name was derived from the Latin term of law.

Now, the question is, how accurate these descriptions are? Do they carry a certain meaning or truth or they're just collections of words?
I always use words to convey my thoughts, my feelings and anything else. Yet, to my confusion, I always find the insufficiency of my thoughts as compared to what I really have in mind; and the inaccuracy of my feelings as to what I really feel deep within.

Yes, am aware of the inadequacy of words.
Seemingly, it is easy to just utter a single word without putting so much thought on it. But at a certain point, I always wonder where it could lead me and I'd be pegged into silence. I begin to question myself of what is really in me.

Consequently...

I wondered about people, how they respond to each of the words thrown against them, as if an invisible mechanism is at work in them. And I wonder, how truth and lies are fabricated in the tiny curve line of the lips that swayed whenever there is an initiator of dialogue.

"Where does a conversation lead people?"

I kept on questioning until it becomes a life-long quest for me. Could we arrive at a certain end to a conversation? To my surprise, people always tend to associate emotions as the end of the conversation. Some might end up into misunderstanding so one gets fed up and the other gets irritated; some might feel uneasy and guilty; or to a brighter side, some might end up into a mutual understanding that could develop into love.

...and the mystery keeps going on...

I get more confused as to how easy others could find meaning into words where I barely could find a single of it.

Am I the only one who finds it difficult to understand words so much so that it is also difficult to trust into these? I find it hard to believe in any single utterance of ideas, or feelings - that is explicitly said just to be heard. Yes, I hear them, but, to what extent must I believe? I don't have any basis or hold in their minds. I can only have mine since I control it.

Apparently, many mistook me of being weird and even throwing shitty things at me. I was avoided, judged, and even out casted. But it's okay with me. I don't even care about what others were thinking about me. I don't even believe a single advice from others. In short, I let them do and say what they want as long as they keep my life out with their word games or any truth or dare gambles. I'd rather have myself be immersed with my own thoughts. Because in here, no one could ever disturb, manipulate, or snatch any piece of me as opposed to the trend of the world where prejudices are rampant and discriminations end lives.

So I was tagged as anti-social or worst, a sociopath. I diverge from the common flow of the society where to all, it is a great sin. Since I am on my own, I have ample of time to sneak and to observe what the "normal" people do.

It's hilarious!

It's funny to see how they put a smile on their masquerade while they hid something. Of course, I do not know what those things are. And I would barely like to know.

I continued to wonder...

At an early age of ten, I had already developed this indifferent attitude towards others. As if, they lie whenever their mouths open.

Ooppss!!!

I don't have any trust issues (if that might occur in your minds) I just find the words I hear insufficient. Since then, every lecture, discussions and ideas during my elementary years, up to now, I find them lacking. I find all teachers to be great pretenders - acting omniscient yet just fakes in reality. I don't despise them. In fact I don't despise anyone. I only despise the insufficiency and inaccuracy of words. So the dissatisfaction led me into a deeper disbelief of things. It haunted me actually that am continuously falling into the pit of excessive questioning and disbelief. But I can't really see things as they are; words as were presented.

And t'was the moment I needed to seek for some genuine thing in this world. I can't seem to find even at the closest persons I have. At a least, due to fabricated lies and truths out of words, everyone hides and conceals something. I do not wish to unveil everything though. But the over whelming quest and dissatisfaction prove me to be such. Then, I lured myself into some sort of "people's necessity. The thing, I wish, didn't exist before hand.

Yet, it was already pre meditated to be an objective truth. And its existence come into itself thus, making it its own essence. I was caught by its spell and everything now seems to be fitted in their right place. I was bewildered that I even denied those I uphold the most. I cannot withstand it. I need to break free, yet the more I try to do so, the more I fall to it.

I pleaded myself to stop; I even tried to control and win over myself, but I was all the more denied by my own. I was made normal in the eyes of everyone by this thing, opposite to what I really believe in, which made me automatically put track in the society.

My world now has been racked by the noises of the shallow- minded humans yet I find it somewhat pleasurable. My silent world has been tricked by the alluring thing towards someone. Later did I realize that I ain't like the way I was before.

Indeed! I ain't like before.

Late did I realize, but am still denying it, that my heart beats in an irregular rhythm. As if a set of drums is being played within this tiny organ which caused the dissociation of my thoughts. This irregularity seems to be just a simple thing to all. But here I am, wondering how, when, where, and all sort of questions did it start? Feelings now grew within me. And it's a bad thing for me, since I believe that reason must over rule the heart. But how ironic, I'd wished to extract emotions out of me, yet they grew even more. They flourish into my whole being which likely hard to handle.

"Ugh! I should stop wondering and wandering in any foreign places especially in a gym."

"I need to go home now."