Wasted Opportunities

Chapter 33

Emily's POV

I knew it was wrong. In the moment before he began to kiss me, just as I realised what was happening, Luke's face flashed into my mind, happy and relaxed like he had been last night. I knew I should stop Michael. He didn't know Luke and I had been on a date, so I was the only one who could stop this from happening, before it all went horribly wrong. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. Although I had liked Luke for a long time, and daydreamed about dating him forever, I had been doing the same with Michael. It hadn't mattered when I was just a fan; I could imagine a thousand different scenarios with each of them, and it wouldn't be wrong in any way. Luke's sudden departure the night before, when we had almost kissed, came back into my mind. My fears about not being good enough were still at the back of my mind, enhanced by the fact that Luke had barely spoken to me all day, and had ignored me when he knew I wanted him to come and fetch the cards with me. Was I really that bad a date? Luke was such an amazing person, I knew I could never be enough for him. For a few hours on our date, I felt like he might like me even half as much as I liked him. The next day I felt ignored, rejected. Not good enough. Michael wanting to kiss me took away all the insecurities, made me feel wanted. I needed that from Luke, and he didn't seem to want to give it to me, so I turned to someone else who wanted me more. Now Luke and I were almost dating, it would be awful of me to kiss Michael. I knew that. But I still did it.

It was a proper, long kiss, and it took me a moment to realise that it was my first proper kiss. I had been dreaming about it happening with Michael for so long. As soon as I had started to get into it, I forgot about Luke completely. Michael Clifford really, truly liked me. I could tell that by the way his mouth moved against mine, the way his hand gently held the back of my head, the beating of his heart getting faster against my fist, which was resting against his chest, still clutching the forgotten Uno card. The darkness and the raindrops on my hands made this feel even more wrong somehow; my pulse started to quicken too, not only from the kiss but from the fear I felt of being caught. I had never been much of a bad girl, and I hated getting into trouble. What if somebody found us? The thought had only just entered my head when I heard the door slide open. Terror filled my head. What if it was Luke? I tried to pull away, but I couldn't. I felt like it was too late, the damage had been done, and I might as well make the most of this moment while it lasted. I had a feeling that soon, everything was going to become much worse.

“Are you guys done ye – um, what is going on here?” My heart sank deep into my chest. Luke's familiar voice came out of the darkness, close enough that I knew he had seen us.

“What do you think?” said Michael, turning away from me for a second to make that sarcastic reply before resuming the kiss. Oh no, this is really bad, I thought. Michael doesn't even seem guilty! I had to do something about this, I couldn't just keep kissing him in front of Luke. With some effort, I pulled myself away and turned to face Luke guiltily. In his eyes I could see only pain, and for the first time the horror of what I had done hit me like a slap in the face. Luke was my first boyfriend, not that I could even call him that, and we had been almost-together for only a day before I cheated on him. I never thought I could be such an awful person.

“Emily,” he said, his voice coming out sort of choked. “I thought last night meant something to you?”