Gino slowly and gently brought his lips to mine. They were pressed together like hands whenever I pray hard to God. It was a soft kiss but it was painful. Hindi ko sigurado kung saan nanggagaling ang sakit pero parang pinipiga ang loob ko at naninikip ang lalamunan ko habang magkahinang ang mga labi namin. Simpleng paglalapat lang. Mababaw pero malalim ang sugat na nahukay.
Why does his kiss hurt so much?
I wondered if my breathlessness was because of the kiss or because of the pain.
He stopped. And I opened my eyes. He was already looking at me with his hooded eyes. He caressed my cheek again with his thumb and cradled it with his palm.
He went in for another kiss. Mababaw ulit. Para bang sinusubukan nya ang kung hanggang saan sya dapat. And it was like he was giving me a chance to say no and run away from him.
“Cresia”, in a whisper, he called my name. “Why are you crying?”, he asked. “Is this hurting you? Am I hurting you?”
Our breaths mixed together because he did not move far more than an inch even when talking. I looked at him and looking at him hurt, too. Naiiyak ako at hindi ko mapigilan ang sakit.
A soft sob escaped me.
I nodded at him admitting I was hurting. For the longest time, no one asked me if I was hurting. My friends would talk to me about things but they would never ask me how I feel. They made me feel they were there for me but I couldn’t open up completely. I couldn’t admit how weak I was. Na gusto kong sumuko. Na pagod na ako. Na pakiramdam ko mag-isa lang ako at kahit kailan ay hindi ako maiintindihan ng ibang tao kahit anong paliwanag ang gawin ko. Na nasasaktan ako.
Yumuko ako at tumama ang labi nya sa noo ko. Gusto kong ilabas lahat ng sakit. Gusto koang iiyak lahat.
“I’m sorry, baby”, hinigit nya ako para mayakap. I sobbed harder when I felt his hands brushing my back. When was the last time someone hugged me like this?
“Hindi ka na dapat bumalik”, I told him in between my cries.
“Then I’m sorry for coming back. If I can’t stay away from you”
“Nagawa mo na nga ‘di ba? You were away from me for a long time, Gino”, garalgal ang boses ko. And my throat hurt, I was sure there was a sand paper scraping it from the inside.
“I did not, Cresia”
“You did. Don’t deny it. Alam ko”
“No. You don’t know anything”, may bahid ng galit ang pagkakasabi nya. Agad ko syang itinulak palayo. Hindi ko matatanggap na sasabihin nya sa akin na wala akong alam sa mga nangyari. I know it well. Naghintay ako sa kanya noon sa ospital pero ni anino nya hindi dumating. I messaged him lot and called him coutless of times but he never answered. No message or call back.
“Ikaw ang walang alam dito! Iniwan mo ako ‘di ba? For Heather?! Kaya hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit bumalik ka pa at ganito ang ginagawa mo ngayon”
His lips formed a thin line.
“Leave Heather out of this, Cresia. Bakit lagi mo syang isinasama sa usapan? I want us to talk about us”
“See?!’, pumiyok ako dahil sa muling pag-iyak na sinabayan ko ng pagsigaw. “You always take her side! Palaging sya ang iniisip mo! Palagi mo syang ipinagtatanggol!”, sigaw ko sa kanya.
I hate them both.
“Hindi ko sya ipinagtatnggol. I never took her side”
“You always did! Hindi mo nakikita pero ako, kitang-kita ko. Alam kong wala akong karapatan sa’yo pero ‘wag mong ipamukha sa akin”, muli ko syang itinulak. He moved back.
He bit his lip and looked at the ceiling above us.
“You have every right on me, Cresia. Kahit noon. Bakit ba hindi mo makita? And stop bringing other people into this. This is between us”, his anger was showing off as his eyes hit me again.
“It was never between us, Gino. You always choose everyone else but me. You hated my guts, remember?”, I smiled at him. Pinalis ko ang sarili kong luha.
“I hated you flirting with everyone but I never hated you”
“Liar”
“I don’t lie. Ayaw mo lang palaging makinig”, he sounded exhausted.
“Dahil puro kasinungalingan ang sinasabi mo paano ako makikinig?”
“See? You don’t want to listen because you already concluded those are lies”
“Then why are you trying to make me listen? Alam mo naman na hindi ako makikinig pero nandito ka pa rin? Sinabi ko na, ibalik mo na ako!”, muli akong umiyak sa harap nya. Hindi na umaandar ng maayos ang utak ko.
“Hindi kita ibabalik! Hindi pa ngayon. It’s dangerous out there!”, his voice boomed like a thunder inside the room. Mas malakas ang boses nya ngayon sa boses ko.
“Ayoko dito”
Muli syang lumapit. Ginulo nya ang buhok nya at inihilamos ang kamay sa kanyang mukha bago ibinalika ng atensyon sa akin.
“You will stay here with me. Tanggapin mo na kaysa paulit-ulit tayo sa usapan. And until you want to listen to me, we will stay here more”
His hand reached for my hair that fell in front of my eyes. Hinawi nya iyon. Huminga sya ng malalim at hinila ako palapit sa kanya. Napagod na nga siguro ako sa pag-iyak. Naguguluhan ako sa ano ba talaga ang gusto kong mangyari ngayon.
Being with Gino was hurting me but there was a little part of me which tells me that I want to be with him.
“Give me a chance please, baby”, hindi ako umimik.
“I want my chance.”
I just stood there in between his embrace.
“Si Heather…”, I finally spoke out.
He sighed loudly.
“She’s nothing more than a friend, Cresia. How can I make you believe, hmm?”, I felt him kiss the top of my head.
My mind was running wild. He was asking for a chance. Para saan? I don’t want to assume. It broke when the last time I did.
“Tell me what I can do for you to believe me, baby. I’ll do anything. Lahat ng karapatan ibibigay ko sa’yo”
I bit my lip on his words. My arms slowly went up to wrap around his waist. I return the embrace he was giving me. I felt him went rigid but relaxed as quickly as it happened.
“Ayokong masaktan”, I said.
“At ayokong saktan ka. Should I beg for a chance, Cresia?”
Gino pushed me gently, his body followed until my back touched the cold glass door behind me. He moved his head a little to look at me.
“Should I beg? I will fucking beg for it, Cresia.”
He attacked my lips once more.
Should I really give him a chance?
************************************
Dapat bang bigyan ni Cresia ng chance si Gino?
Gustong-gusto ko nang gawin yung POV ni Gino pero I need to save it for the best part. Bear with me.
