The Secretary's Secret

XVIII

Chapter 18

Confession

KAYDEN

I knew from the very start that this wasn't a good idea. Whenever she's near, my thoughts were always in a haywire and my logical self were being thrown out of my body. She always messed with my whole being. This is not a good sign. This is not what I have planned.

She's supposed to be just a secretary slash the woman whom I need to hurt. But I was beginning to like her, I don't want to fool myself. It's not like I just can tell my stupid heart to hate her when in fact, I was feeling the exact opposite. If only I could, I would.

She's just so carefree. I tried to hate her but I can't. She can make me smile without putting so much effort. And everytime she does that, I am always reminding myself that she's the one who hurt my mother. She's the reason why my parents almost separated. That's the only thing that kept me going with the plan. I promised my mom that I'd take care of it. I want to think that what I'm feeling was just a phase.

But as the days passed, I was like hanging in a thin thread and with just a little push, I'd definitely fall. I want to know her more, not because it's part of the plan, but because it's what I wanted.

I want her to see the real me. Not the Kayden who's full of hatred, but the one who's passionate and engaging. I don't want her to know me as the person who's masking his true self because of anger. And just like that, I forgot about everything.

I am ready to stop. I am so ready to quit and just let go. But not when I learned that he's still meeting my father. I thought I wouldn't need the help of my PI anymore but just one call, I was able to pull myself together.

I was able to recover with whatever she's done to me. I want to believe that she's just too attached with my dad because he became her boss for like how many years. But why would she?

So I just continued what supposed to be done. I won't let her cloud my mind anymore. If I have to act better, then I would. If that's what it takes for her to show her true self, then so be it. I just need to avoid feeling soft for her.

Everything is too fast. I want to believe that I already liked her the first time I saw her. But my mind won't let me. It's telling me to treat her as my enemy, the person who's not good for me and my family. I will set aside this feeling before it's too late, before I fall harder, before I drown deeper.

But I am not so good at convincing myself.

"Why did you do that?" she asked me after our kiss ended. Our face were just inch away from each other. I like being this close to her. Now, tell me how should I stop? There's something in her that keeps me coming back to her. And for heaven's sake! I don't know her that much.

I looked intently at her eyes, so she could see through my soul. I want her to see me. I want her so bad. She's the only girl who made me feel like this. I am so fucking torn. I am so close on asking her now about his relationship with my father, but I know it's not the right time yet. I'll ruin everything if I do that.

For now, I don't want to pretend. I don't want to mask everything I'd say. I wanna say the right words to her.

I leaned closer so our foreheads would touch. I closed my eyes and said the words I've been dying to let out of my chest.

"Because I like you, Luzzi. A lot." I felt her stilled with my sudden confession. I hope she could feel the sincerity in there. That for once, I did something that's not in my plan. Just this once. I'll let myself.

"A-ano?" she asked, surprised with what she heard.

I cupped her face and kissed her one more time. I am so addicted with her lips.

"I like you so much. You heard me?" I repeated with so much gentleness in my voice.

She still look so shocked. I saw her blink and swallowed multiple times. I can't help but to smile. See? She's not even making an effort but look at me now, I am smiling like an idiot.

"W-what? P-paano? K-kailan? Huh?!" she panicked when everything I said sinked in to her.

I chuckled and held her face to looked at me. She's as red as a tomato now.

"I know it's all too fast but I really like you, Luzzi. I don't know when and how but one thing's for sure, I like you." I confessed again, this time with my eyes all on her. I saw her gulped and avoided my gaze. She looked shy again.

"Ahm..." It seems like she want to say something but she's holding herself back, like she would regret it if she'll say it to me.

"You don't have to say anything. It's not a question in the first place. I just want to inform you what I truly feel towards you. Don't be pressured." I made sure she'll understand what I'm trying to say. I don't wanna force her to like me back just because I said that I like her.

If she's going to say that she likes me too, I want it to be because it's what she really feels, not because she was only forced to say it back. I don't want her to pretend like what I did at first. I pretended to hate her to hide what I truly felt the first time I laid my eyes on her.

"Kayden..." she uttered. I gave her a small smile. I am relieved now that I got to say the words that keeps bugging my heart. I felt something heavy being lifted up my chest. That's how I feel right now.

"Did you know why I brought you here?" I asked while playing with her fingers. Her hands felt cold, she's that nervous. Well, I am too, but I was able to hide it from her.

She just shook her head as an answer. I just held her hands tighter.

"It's because I want to be alone with you. I want to know you more. I want to be with you. I want you so bad, Luzzi. I'm sorry if I lied about the business trip, but if that's what it takes to be with you, I'll not hesitate to lie again." I said in almost a whisper. I can sense her nervousness but I won't let it stop me from saying what I feel.

I know that this is what we planned, an alone time with her to know her secret, but somehow, I know for myself that even without it, I'd still be doing this to be with her.

"I hope you'd still treat me the same. I don't want you to feel awkward around me. Hmm?"

She just nodded and I saw her bit her lower lip but let go immediately after she saw me staring at it. I smiled inside. She knows I'm gonna kiss her if she does that again in front of me.

We started to eat silently. I keep on looking at her but she's too shy to face me. Where did the confident Luzzi go? I think we left it at my office.

That's okay, though. I understand if she's still can't believe at my confession. It's just so sudden but what could I do? I am always out of control when I'm with her. It's just months since we've known each other but I already felt like I have a strong connection with her. It's hard to explain.

We finished eating our late lunch without hearing a word from her. I guess I'll leave her alone for now so she could think about it.

What I know for now, the plans has changed. The purpose of this supposed to be 'business trip' has probably changed. Originally, I'd just need her to spill her secrets on me but now, I'll make her pour all her feelings to me.

And we'll not leave this place until she feels the same. We'll never gonna leave this place without her saying those three words. I don't care if it will take forever, waiting is not a problem to me. She's going to like me too.

I'll make sure of that.

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