The frequent lurker

16.✰Haunted by the past

~y/n's pov~
I did something I shouldn't have. By no means am I referring to discovering Jungkook's "secret", what I am referring to is running home. I knew well enough my heart couldn't handle it...

Me: did you have to cry and run the entire way, y/n?
Because of what I had done, I am now sitting in the hospital, alone, with my parents out of town.
I can't even cry here! The doctors will think something hurts. I need to get discharged...

~15 minutes later~
Jimin: y/n what happened?
Jisoo: girl are you okay?
Taehyung: why didn't you call Jungkook?
Me: guys, I'll explain later, just help me get discharged.
They all nod in agreement.

.............
I got discharged and am now at home. The guys insisted on driving me and I know that if I told them my parents weren't home, they'd take me to one of their houses. That's why I ignored that fact altogether.

You're probably wondering whether I explained the whole situation to them. Well, the answer is yes and no. I suggested that we had an argument and that at the time being we aren't on speaking terms.
I could tell they wanted to know more and that they weren't fully convinced, but they failed to ask any more questions.
A fact which I then appreciated.
Now? Maybe not so much.

Part of me yearns for someone to talk to, cry out to...but I can't. Even despite what happened, I cannot do that to Jungkook. As much as I hate it...he still holds the number one spot in my heart. As much as it hurts not knowing what happened, I can't go back to him and let him explain. As much as it burns to feel, I can't let the tears stop falling.

Y/n, just cry.
Cry it all out.
It's the only way.
After you finish crying you won't be sad anymore.
You'll forget.
You'll be tired.
You won't be hurt any longer, right?
...right?

Even I don't believe my words.
Will I start living in a lie once more? Will I ever be able to get over this, get over him?
...I don't want to get over him.
.........

The storm of questions I had unbearably took me over till my mind went blank as if my system just shut down completely. I stared at the white ceiling, laying on my bed motionlessly, like a breathing statue.

I eventually started thinking about him again. I found myself thinking about how it all started, about all the teasing, taking a moment to stop at his confession.

... I need you to know that I can't promise I won't hurt you, but I promise I'll treat you right...

Me: so that's what he meant, huh?
I didn't give much thought to his words back then, but now I understand. Even though, something tells me this wasn't the exact meaning of them.
I don't think he ever expected me to find out.

The worst thing is that I can't bring myself to not love him, I can't bring myself to fully hate him. My mind says that I should leave him but my heart still screams his name.

Just like that, for the first time, Jungkook becomes a product of one of my overthinking sessions. I love him, with all I have and all I am, but does he? I don't want to doubt him, I don't want to leave him, but isn't it smart to do so?

Did he use me or did he truly do it because he loved me? I stood sat there stabbing daggers into my head, trying to push out an answer.
Nothing.
Nothing I knew could answer to what I felt... nothing except for him.

Me: HOW CAN YOU STILL WANT HIM AFTER WHAT HE DID TO YOU? Y/N YOU HAVE TO BE STRONG!
I uncontrollably let out sob after sob. Again whispering " you have to be strong " as if I was trying to convince myself I could do it.
As if I was trying to convince myself I didn't want to give him a chance.

Did he deserve it?
Did he deserve me?
Bullshit y/n, he always deserved you.
He wasn't wrong promising he'd treat me right.
Me: Couldn't have you been bad to me Jungkook-ah?! Couldn't you have made it easy to let you go?
I scream.

I scream my heart out.
I scream my doubts out.
My questions, my desires, my wishes, my strengths, my weaknesses.
I hear them all in one simple but complicated scream.
Me: I don't want to let you go...I GAVE YOU ALL I HAD TO GIVE! What more can I do now...

~Jungkook's pov~
How have I not known about this? How have I never remembered? How have I never understood the significance of my nightmares? The shadow, the footsteps, the ringing sound, the haunting eyes. I see it all now.
I have to talk to mom and dad. What made me lose my memory?
............

~ the next day, at school~
~y/n's pov~
I don't know what I'm going to do. Should I confront Jungkook? Should I let him talk to me? Should I let him explain? What excuse could he possibly have about stalking me for three consecutive years? Did he just miss me? Wouldn't he simply be able to come up to me and converse? We could start slow, but then again would we have ended up the same?

Well... I guess everything does happen for a reason. In this case reason being... I don't even know. Was it that we needed each other's love? Was it that we both discreetly hungered for one another? Was it that we plainly desired a shoulder to rely on? Were we together solely because we were lonely?

For heaven's sake Kang Y/n, stop overthinking! You'll drive yourself mad!
...but was our connection truly genuine?
I get to thinking once more. How did the relationship between the two of us come about? We subsisted as best friends in middle school. After, we sadly drifted apart.

Junior year, I notice we're in the same school. Senior year comes around. I find out Noah cheats... Jungkook is the one I rely on. The unknown number...it was him. He showed me the truth...
He introduced me to new friends, the best I've ever had. He conveyed his feelings to me, despite his skepticism of platonic feeling. He became my lover. The first one who was able to reassure me in a way where I'd give myself to them, give my body and heart to them.

He helped build new memories based on old ones. New experiences based on new feelings. He brought me joy in ways I had never been able to comprehend. He helped me explore new feelings in my body. He helped me to experience love... seemingly for the first time in my life. He trusted I wouldn't leave him again...

...............
I've made a horrible mistake...

Hey, guys, we hope you enjoyed this episode of The Frequent Lurker.
The tension keeps building up huh?
What did Jungkook find out about himself?
Where did this overthinking session lead y/n?
What happens next?
Find out tomorrow on the next episode

Thank you for reading and once more I hope you enjoyed as well as wish to see you soon.
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Lots of love and hope to see you in the next one
Authors~Ajla&Viki