The frequent lurker

18.✰We need to talk

>>>Flashback
~the day before, Jungkook's house~
~Jungkook's pov~
Sitting on my bed, I do nothing but breathe as the wave of shock to have overcome me still hasn't passed. The realization that had hit me had done more for the worse than the better. I remember everything.
Me: I don't want to remember.

I just spoke to my mom and dad, and...wow, that's an answer I never expected. How could've they never told me? How could've I not known? It feels as if I'm living a film. This is why I didn't know why I was tailing her. This is why her leaving me alone was my worst terror. This is why I had those despicable nightmares. This is why I out of nowhere grew miserable. How did I go through this without chronic treatment?

I don't know what to think, neither do I know what to say. Such a terror-filled event to have been wiped clean off my memory...and somehow for it to still have affected me every single day she wasn't there and every single night the dreams of demons came around.
Me: I DON'T WANNA REMEMBER!
I shout. I shout in agony, in pain, with the newfound anguish in me taking over, it unable to be held stoppable.

For the first time in my life, I pity myself. I pity the fact that I had been living my life in a lie as I longed to help Y/n execute the insincerity in hers. I couldn't help it. I couldn't help but think about her even in the darkest of times for me. Why? You may be expecting the good old cheesy " it's because I love her". No that's not what I'm going to say. We all know that I love her.

Hell, I love her more than I love myself. But the reason I think of her in the darkest of times for me is that when for me it was pitch black, she'd come in the room with a smile and lighten it up for me. I thought about her just because I loved her, both things which still apply.

I think about her because I wonder how she's doing when I'm not around. I think about her because I see her favorite flower or because I'm drinking an Americano. I think about her because I'm sad. I think about her because I'm happy. I think about her because it's at 3 o'clock. I think about her because she's my light.

Still incredulous of the situation at hand, I continue to think...think about her...
Me: I miss you, Y/n-ah...but should I? How could you mistrust that I loved you, baby?
An unconscious tear escapes my eyes as my body sticks to being borderline inanimate, unfazed.
Me: I can't operate without your presence now Y/n-ah! I want you to come back to me, I did since the beginning, so why did I let my pride take me over...why?

The tears keep flooding my cheeks. Commotion takes over my head. I feel the need to go after her, I feel the need to be with her, I need to be with her, I need her.
We were so perfect.
Every laughter, every kiss, every hug, every word meant the world to me. I'd give anything to go back to how we were. I'd give...everything.

I find myself feeling dizzy, unstable.
How?
I'm not even standing.
The room runs in circles...again...and...again...
Me: AGH!
It's my head once more. I forcefully shut my eyes in pain.
All I see is his eyes. All I hear is his voice..." don't look back! Not at me, not at her! Run! Runaway! Fear me!"
Me: LEAVE ME ALONE!

I can't open my eyes, I-I'm stuck. I can't get out!
Me: NO! DON'T TRAP ME AGAIN, PLEASE, NO!
I lose all capacity and seemingly plummet into a state of limbo. I'm not awake, I've not lost consciousness, I'm not asleep.
With the last of my strength, I sob, putting my last said words into a strenuous whimper...
Me: please...please leave me...alone...

The last I see and hear is the door opening, incoming my worried parents.
Mom: Jungkook!
I hear two sighs, two recognizing sighs.
Dad: this is why he shouldn't have known...

>>>Present
~at school~
~Jungkook's pov~
I was with Taehyung and Jimin, talking about how I roasted the English teacher but my eyes were secretly on Y/n, who had been standing looking back and forth for a while. My heart skipped three beats at once when I saw her collapse on the floor, unconscious.
Me: Y/N!