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~17~

Showing a private conversation with Suni-Dey and Mini

Suni-Dey:

"It didn't occur to me that I was depressed, or had depression for that matter. It wasn't something I was thinking about regularly, ya know? It only came to mind when something bad happened in my life that I knew for sure I had depression..

At first it wasn't so bad, I would feel off every now and then but I would brush it off thinking it was nothing but a mood swing. Everyday that went by things would start to get worse, my thoughts would always be racing, and I couldn't stop it. I couldn't control what my mind was doing, and it honestly scared me. You may be asking what happened to have triggered these thoughts, so I'll answer that for you.

It was maybe two/three months ago now, or maybe longer if you're reading this at a later date. When me and my best friend we're hanging out, chatting and joking around with each other, it was nice until he started acting negative towards me. Anytime I would try and help him he would push me away and it made me think I did something wrong, maybe I wasn't good enough for him, or maybe he found someone better. I started thinking badly of myself, and pushed others away from me. They would question my actions but I would only tell them I was fine and was busy, which was a total lie because the only thing I did was cry.

I can't take a pill without thinking about overdosing. I can't cross a street without wanting to jump in front of a car. I can't shave without thinking about slitting my wrists. I can't walk along high things without wanting to jump. Every moment, every aspect, every vision of my life is changed by this depression and it's killing me. It's made me weak and vulnerable and these thoughts are winning. That's when I knew I was suicidal..

I started thinking of ways to end it, but decided to just slit my wrists and overdoes instead. Get it over with, I don't want to think twice about this, any of it. Everyone said that time heals all wounds. But, it felt as if time was standing still and the wound was getting bigger. Maybe it wasn't time that healed, maybe it was experience. Whether or not you allowed yourself out into the world after you'd been hurt. Making new memories to immerse yourself in instead of replying the same ones that leave you feeling lifeless over and over. Filling yourself with life again, instead of waiting for the rest of your life for time to heal you.

I'm tired of waiting for something to happen, it's obvious nothing's gonna, so why wait? Like I feel nothing.. I don't feel anything. I wake up and I think again? Really? I have to do this again? I don't want to anymore, I know damn well nothing's gonna happen. But there are a few more things I would like to say before I leave this earth, to a few people.

Evan, I know we haven't known each other for that long but you are one hell of a guy. You've been there for me along with Delirious and I couldn't have gotten this far without you. I'm sorry it ended like this but I will be watching from up above.

Delirious, you're a cocky guy, that's one thing. You aren't scared to say what you think and I think that's what I Admire the most about you. I wish you and Evan the best of luck in the future.

The guys. I know most of you hate me because of what I said about Craig's girlfriend, and I can't do anything about that but apologize for my behaviours. I love you guys.

Lastly Craig. We've been best friends since high school, I don't know what I would have done without you and losing you is probably the worst thing ever. But there's something you should know before I leave. I love you, and not just as a best friend. I love you as more than a friend, I have for some time now. Seeing you always brought some kind of happiness to me, you were and still are everything to me and when I lost you that's when everything went out of control. I would scream into my pillow every night, that night I cut so badly I passed out.. I'm so tired, but I'm to scared of going to sleep because I'm afraid it's going to hit me hard in the moments before I fall asleep with nothing to distract me from what I'm feeling. I miss you so fucking much Craig. I would do anything to have you back in my life. I'm falling in love with you Craig, and I guess it scares me because from the very beginning I told myself not too. Part of me, the human part of me, is warning me to be careful, to not allow myself to feel this way, to protect myself from getting hurt. But my soul.. my soul feels like I am home, and there is no reason to lock the door because I am safe with you. But you shut me out, ever since you got that girlfriend of yours it's like she changed you.. I know that's not the real Craig Thompson I grew up with. And I hope you change back to him but I won't be able to see that because I'll most likely be dead.

I'm sorry I get mad. I'm sorry I get sad. I'm sorry I'm not always smiling. I'm sorry I overthink everything. I'm sorry I can't sleep at night. I'm sorry for saying the things I say. I'm sorry I'm so complicated. I'm sorry I'm a mess. I'm sorry for being clingy. I'm sorry that when I get sad, I get quiet. I'm just so sorry for being me..

I guess I'm still holding onto something that I know will probably never happen, because somewhere deep down inside me, I have this little piece of hope that someday, it will.

So this is it.. this is the end. I'm sorry for all the pain I have caused and I hope that now that I'm gone things will start to get better.. without me around I know things will, cause all I do is cause trouble. I wish you all the best in life and please move along from my death. There's no point in crying, so please don't.

I love you all. And Craig, you will always have a special place in my heart. I love you more than anything.

Sincerely

-Tyler

Suni-Dey: he's so dramatic isn't he?

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Suni-Dey: there's no need too, I already have my plan worked out.

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