Foreign

Chapter 44

I take a sip from my coffee. I'm on my way back to America from Australia and I can't sleep. Josh is asleep with his head on my right shoulder, Brody's head is on my left shoulder. They're both exhausted because we had such a busy week. We didn't get much sleep. We had an amazing trip. It was a welcome break. I think about the past couple of weeks.

The nightmare did come back and for the remaining days before Christmas break I tried to figure out if just spending the night with someone else would to the trick. It didn't. I tried girlsnights with Isabella or Brody or both of them but I still had the nightmare. So I figured it was Josh that made me feel like me again. I squeezed in late night rehearsals so I could fall asleep with him next to me just to be able to sleep at all. We did grow closer but nothing happened. I think Josh felt that I wasn't ready. He was so patient with me. I like this arrangement because now I don't have to figure out what I feel. It doesn't matter to him. I know it's unfair to keep him in limbo but I'm just not sure if I'm in love.

With Hero something has changed since that last kiss. He is so angry all the time. Instead of trying to talk to me or stare at me, he just avoids me all the time. And when I do see him his eyes are blazing and his face is cold as ice. I saw Hero right before I left. Our eyes met right before I got in my taxi to the airport. He didn't try to stop me. He didn't say anything. I just drove away. I have no clue what his plans were.

It was good to be away from the film for two weeks. Being in Belgium made me realise how exhausted I really am. I started to wonder if it's all worth it. Film has always been my passion but I will always associate it with Hero. I started to wonder if it's time to walk away from film. Should I change my job? Could I? Christmas with family and friends was exactly what I needed. I could finally detox from Hero. Distance doesn't heal all wounds but it did help that I wasn't around him all day.

Australia was a dream. Brody and I stayed at Josh's parents' house and it was amazing. They live pretty close to the beach, which is amazing! Brody and I got to share a room and we had a lot of late night talks. I celebrated the New Year on the beach with new friends and I couldn't help but think about this past year. I decided right then and there that I'd change my life. Enough is enough. New year, new me, new opportunities. Hero also crossed my mind as I watched the fireworks. This time last year he came back for me. We had a plan. I had a clear path. My future looks so different now. I don't have a plan, I don't what the future holds and I don't know what to do or where to go when this shoot is over.

I visited a lot of places while I was in Australia but the absolute highlight was the visit to the set of Home and Away. The show is what started Josh's acting career and he knew I'm a huge fan so he took me to the set as a surprise. It was surreal to take a walk on the famous beach and to be an extra who orders a coffee at the Pier Diner. I smile when I think about it. Now I'm on my way back to America and to the set. I'm afraid to be back there again. Afraid to see Hero and Melany. I'm afraid that the progress I've made will disappear into thin air. Just a few more weeks, I tell myself. Just a few more weeks before I'm free. Luckily I have something to look forward to! Jac and Lizzie have finally started their road trip so I'm expecting them in a couple of days. I tried to schedule Hero's scenes with Josh before the break so they always have someone around. When Hero is filming, I will entertain them and when Josh has to be on set, Hero can spend time with them. It's like shared custody between two divorced parents, I know, but there's just no other way. I want to give them an amazing time and that just won't happen if Hero and I have to spend time together. I haven't told them about Melany and the baby and I know Hero hasn't either. They know we've broken up because of Melany but not the exact reason. Boy, are they in for a treat...

The flight attendant announces that we will land in half an hour. I take a deep breath. Here we go...