100 more days of loving you | renhyuck

79

dear donghyuck,

jaemin and jeno are cooking right now so i thought i would write to you

although i really dont want to

im so mad and sad and im in so much pain its making my emotions worse

i talked to jeno and jaemin about you yesterday and i cried so much. so incredibly much that it actually started to physically hurt.

donghyuck, it started to hurt.

i texted you last night.

bitch i texted you earlier today and nothing.

do i not have a right to keep something to myself for you to dislike me this much?

donghyuck im literally living for you.

im still alive because of you.

i havent ended it all because i needed to make it to the last 100 days for YOU.

im so mad right now that my handwriting is probably getting progressively worse but i cant fucking help it.

who are you to do this shit to me?

lee donghyuck i have been your BEST friend for the longest fucking time.

i have been here for you when no one else has.

i am your literal ride or die.

i have loved you unconditionally for years now and you also have whether it be platonically or romantically.

god now that you have decided you dont like me anymore i dont even see the point in living.

i keep one secret from you and you just leave me?

one look, it takes one look to see that i am quite literally falling apart.

man people i see in the supermarket that ive never met once in my life have asked me if im okay.

you are my BEST FRIEND you should know better than anyone else that i am falling apart.

and what do you do when you see me falling apart? you ghost me.

yes i get it, im not telling you why. i havent explained shit to you. i fucking know that.

but i am not obligated to tell you every single fucking thing that happens in my life.

donghyuck. the fact that im still alive is literally because of you and if i havent made that apparent enough from the year and years of support and love i have given you then maybe i took to much from out friendship.

yah haha maybe its me.

maybe im the problem.

maybe i put too much faith in this damn friendship.

maybe i should just take the final step because im so fucking tired of holding on.

honestly what is the point of holding on if there is nothing to hold on to in the first place.

i wish i could hate you lee donghyuck.

i really really wish i could.

because right now i want to so bad.

i want to hate you

but i cant

i just cant.

because unlike you seem to be, im in too deep and i hate it.

i hate myself and my stupid fucking emotions

i hate everything

but i still dont hate you...

i love you hyuck

your dying... friend?
renjun