Escape from Reality (Realto #1: Completed)

Chapter 33

"I'm freaking hurt right now, B."

I cried and cried in front of Bernadette when I went back home just for this weekend. I feel so suffocated in that city. I just need a short break to spend with my family and I will promise I will go back to Manila and find a boarding house I can rent on my own. 

"Shh.. Alam ko." She's trying to calm me by caressing my back while I was on her shoulders, crying. "You can rest but you can't quit. Don't be like me."

"How would I know if I can survive if he made me feel he is my only rest? Paano ako makaka-ahon?" I questioned her. 

"It's for you to think of it. Ikaw ang magd-desisyon para sa sarili mo." She's keeping the hug between us at mas lalong humigpit ang yakap ko sa kaniya. 

"Hindi ko kaya. Mahal ko siya at hindi ko kayang hindi." Nag-uunahan ang mga luha ko sa pag-patak. "Why do we need to get hurt when we just only wanted to love?"

"It's a part of it, Olivia, ano ka ba?" She scolded me. "It is not loving if it doesn't hurt," makabuluhang sabi niya. 

"It must not be love because he cheated on me." Halos hindi pa rin mag-sink in sa utak ko ang mga nangyayari. 

I just broke up with him! I broke up with Gavin and it fucking hurts to see him in pain. 

Pero.. paano naman ako? I am hurt, too. I am devastated, too. 

"Tangina, nandito na naman yung sakit, Bernadette. Masakit pa rin pala na nawala si Kuya." I whimpered like a small kid. 

People do have different thresholds for pain. Merong mababaw, merong sakto lang at merong nanatili at nabubuhay sa sakit and it sucks being like this.. being so fragile and vulnerable. 

"Are you really sure about your decisions?" She asked me. 

I am never ready. I will never be ready. I wanted to be numb for a while but I couldn't.. I am not ready for this. 

"Hindi ko na alam." Halos matumba na ako dahil sa pang-hihina. I know I must not ruin myself self but it's already ruined. I know from the time I knew the truth, I was ruined already. 

"Fix up your mind before deciding," she said. "May araw din sakin 'yang si Matilda at Ken, hayop sila," galit na sabi niya. 

"Wala naman silang kasalanan," I smiled bitterly. "It's me and my fucked up decisions." I chuckled.

If there is someone to blame here, it must be me. I can't please other people to be true to me but at least I must be true to myself and I know the blame is mine. 

"Naririnig mo ba sarili mo? Hindi mo kasalanan ang lokohin ka!" She sounded mad. 

My tears started falling down once again and I am tired of this! I bit my lower lips to stop myself. Is it really me? Is loving someone a big mistake? Is trusting too much a big slip?