Random Blog Of Life

Day Nineteen

The words to say
I cannot
They stay hidden
Inside my heart
Locked away
With a key
Never to be heard
Or said out loud
Just waiting to come out
And be known
To be understood
This poem I wrote after reading this Stephan King quote or piece from Different Seasons.
"The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them -- words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. But it's more than that, isn't it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a tellar but for want of an understanding ear."
― Stephen King, Different Seasons
I don't know why I wrote it.
It was like a feeling I just had to get out.
When I read what Stephen King wrote, I found it explained exactly how I felt at the very moment.
The words we really and truly want to say, we can't.
It is stuck in our throat.
The words won't come out.
The feelings of rejection or misunderstandings come in strong.
The hurt and the pain that you hold inside and want it to come out, but afraid what others might say. Afraid that they might not understand, so we keep it in.
All we want is for someone to not only listen to us, but to understand us.
Is it too hard to ask for?
To have someone not just willing to listen, but to understand why we feel hurt. Why we feel the pain.
I keep so much inside because I don't want people to just look at me and disregard what I said as nothing.
I want the words that I hold deep inside to be released and not treated as they were nothing.
As what some people think of this blog probably.
Why is she writing a blog like this?
Blah blah blah
I just pictured Charlie Brown for a second....
Continuing on, I don't ask those of you who read the blog to read it.
I'm glad that there are people who are reading it.
I appreciate it.
I really do.
I appreciate the comments.
The good and the bad.
I guess the statement of 'I don't ask those of you read the blog to read it' to the bad comments telling me that I'm ridiculous for even writing the blog.
I don't ask you to read it, but thank you for reading and leaving comments.
I need to accept the bad comments just as much as I accept the good.
I think the comments are what stop me from actually saying what I want to say.
I shouldn't let it stop me.
At the same time, it is hard for me to trust people.
Should I just say it?
Should I let it out for anyone to just read?
Even then, the words come out.
I can't seem to find how to put the words together to form the sentences.
I also feel as if it would be useless to say since I know I'm not the only one who feels this way.
I would feel as if I'm pathetic for even pointing it out because I know there are people who have been through worse.
I begin to think why bother and it isn't that important.
Why share something that may be important to me when they don't share the importance to everyone else?
I guess that is my problem.
I think of everyone else.
I think that I'm not important.
I think that I am nothing.
Is there any truth to that?
Some say no and others will say yes.
What is the correct answer?
The 'we are all important' answer?
Don't know.
I do know that this is struggle within me.
I need to get over it, but how?
How to fix it when I've always thought this way?
How?
It is hard to change thoughts and I feel as if I have been stupid for trying.
I also know there will be situations that even when you start strong, you fall.
It is up to you after that if you want to just continue to fall or pick yourself back up.
I know this week I feel like I'm falling.
Criticism left and right.
Mostly from my family.
Feeling useless and I can't do nothing right.
Feeling like I am nothing.
Instead of thinking that someone may like me for me, I'm overthinking and thinking he doesn't like me for me.
I need to change though.
I need the confidence.
I need to feel like I am something instead of nothing.
I am someone.
I am a person.
I'm taking deep breaths and trying to relax.
Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Quote:
"Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass."
― Anton Chekhov
*Puts aviator sunglasses on*
Ciao!
~Raiden