i heard the front door unlock, not having the energy to turn around to see who had walked in.
"hey baby." as soon as i heard grayson's voice, i wiped the tears off of my cheeks, sniffling while doing so.
"love, are you okay?" i nodded, feeling his hands rest on my waist. "baby, look at me." i hesitantly looked up at him, my eyes still red and puffy from my breakdown just earlier.
"oh, honey," he spoke, his face immediately losing it's smile when he saw my watery eyes.
more tears spilled out, also allowing a broken sob to fall.
"hey, hey, hey. what's wrong, my love? here, let's sit." he took my hand and led me to the couch where he sat down, pulling me onto his lap. i laid my head on his shoulder, hiding my face in his bunched up sweatshirt as i cried some more.
"can you tell me what's wrong?" i slowly shook my head, another sob leaving my mouth. "baby, you gotta use your words, tell me what's wrong."
"i-i can't-t." he rubbed his hand up and down my back in an attempt to calm me down.
"okay, okay. i've got you, i'm here. shh, shh."
after several long minutes, my tears stopped and my cries fell silent, although my breathing didn't seem to calm down.
"can you talk to me now baby?" i slowly sat up, nodding. his hand brushed a hair out of my face, then rested on my hip.
"i-i just don't know why i can't get through a day without having at least one breakdown, or one panic attack. i-i just can't do it anymore." his hand gently gripped my chin, tilting my head up so i could look into his eyes.
"don't talk like that. everyone has bad days, my love. and it's perfectly fine to have bad days repeatedly. your pain and sadness will eventually go away, i promise. but you know what won't go away?" i shrugged, holding his hand now.
"me." the single word was enough to lift my spirits. sniffling some more, i spoke out the only words i knew how to say:
"i love you."
published aug 17 2020
check up on your friends please.
i'm about to be open with all of you rn. i'm laying in bed right now, at 1:31am, post mental breakdown. something my current mental state has taught me is this: stress is normal. anxiety is normal. sadness is normal, therefore tears are normal. the four things listed above are also perfectly okay. it's okay to feel down, anxious, sad, or scared. but whenever you do, remember this:
it's a bad day, not a bad life.
i love you. stay strong<3
