✔️Soundtrack to My Youth (18+)

Losing My Religion

I spent most of Saturday locked in my bedroom, only coming out for food and bathroom breaks and only if I knew I could pass through the house unnoticed. The last thing I needed was for Bridget or Dad to see me with my red, puffy eyes and mass of messy hair and be asking questions.

I reasoned with myself that I had done the right thing, it was for the best that we ended it now, before things went deeper. Take the minuscule amount of pain now to prevent the Earth shattering amount of pain in the long run. It was easier this way for everyone.

This wasn't my first time, I knew this process well, I knew that there was going to be an adjustment period, this would be made harder by the fact that Sam and I were bound to run into each other at some point, we went to the same school and had the same of group of friends, it was unavoidable. It's so much easier to cut and run when you know you never have to face that person ever again.

I was so angry at Sam, why did he have to destroy everything by falling in love with me? Everything was perfect until he said those three words. He claimed to know me but he really knew nothing about me because if he did then he would realise that I had allowed love to consume me once, it had crawled inside and attached itself to my heart and then proceeded to break me, taking my trust down with it. I would never allow myself to be that vulnerable ever again.

Bridget would often ask me if I was lonely, living my life this way and I would explain to her that it was safer, if I never allowed anyone to get close then they never had a chance to destroy me. Bridget was the only person who understood me, she had helped me put the pieces of my life back together after Lucas. Kate tried for years to set me up with friends she thought I had 'potential' with, she believes that being single is a disease that she can cure.

By Sunday I felt like a bird trapped in a cage of my own creation. I needed to get out. I drove to the lake to take a walk and I was confronted by couples everywhere, their happy, shinny faces mocking me.

I decided to call Kate, hoping she could distract me.

"Hey Roni, can't talk for too long, Alex is on his way over for our date" She answered, pulling me down further. Can't I just have one person in my life who is single?

"A Sunday date?" I asked her, Sunday was Kate's day to do all the homework she had avoided all weekend.

"I made an exception considering that it is Valentine's Day" She laughed, "Gotta go, sorry, Alex just arrived and I have to save him from the Breeders or they will trick us into babysitting the herd so they can go out today." The line goes dead and once again I'm left alone with my thoughts.

How had I not even realised that it was Valentine's Day? Was I that disassociated with love that I blocked out its own bullshit holiday? Stupid, smug couples, I wanted to scream at every girl who walked in front of me, hand in hand, smiling up stupidly, 'He's going to break your heart, he's going to cheat on you and leave you with scars that will never heal' but instead I would smile back at them as I made my way back to my car.

I didn't want to go back home, I didn't want to risk running into Bridget and Amber, just because I avoided love doesn't mean I didn't want Bridget to enjoy her first. She deserved to be happy and I knew my mood would put a downer on that.

I drove around Claremont, searching for something that would take my mind off everything. I pulled into the carpark of the movie complex we had visited a week earlier. I knew this place had the potential to be flooded with smug couples but I was banking on the fact that none of them would want to watch a horror movie on Valentine's Day.

I bought a ticket for The Blair Witch Project and and walked into the almost empty cinema with a small popcorn and soft drink in my hands. This was exactly what I needed, something else to concentrate on.