My Boy// SnowBaz ✔️

Chapter 22

Baz

The next morning I'm woken up by my text tone going off, I rub my eyes and see a text from Simon, and instantly realize how much I fucked everything up. I roll over to wake Jamie up, but he just groans and swats at my hand. "Fuck off I'm tired" he mumbles into the pillow.

"Okay okay fine, I gotta go make a phone call, so just be quiet, okay?" I tell him as I groggily get out of bed. I pull on a pair of boxers and wander out into my living room to return simons call. I'm really dreading this, and I'm still trying to figure out if I should even tell him. I do still love him, and honestly what would tell him even do? It would just upset him.

"Hey?" I speak into my phone when I hear him pick up.

"Hey" he sounds exhausted.

"I'm really sorry about last night," I tell him, hoping to clear this up as fast as possible. I pick up one of the remotes off the side table and toss it up and down in my hand to busy myself.

"Yeah so am I" he agrees, there's some silence before I hear him clear his voice on the other side before continuing. "Baz can you please be honest with me. Do you mind that I'm ace?" He asks. And I notice that he's calling himself ace rather than asexual, I think he's starting to get more comfortable with the word.

"Well-" I wet my lips trying to think of the best way to get him to see what I mean. "Simon I love you. And being ace is a part of who you are, so I love it. I do admittedly sometimes wish that you felt the same desire for sex that I do, just because it's something that I find a lot of emotion in when it's with the right person" I cringe at my own words, knowing that someone I don't care about is still laying in my bed right now definitely doesn't add much to my words. "And I'd love to share that with you. But I don't have any resentment towards your ace-ness, you know?" I explain and find my words speeding up anxiously.

"Okay that makes sense" he sighs, not in an exasperated way, more like he's finally gotten a bit of clarity. "And you know that I'd be happy to have sex every now and then if you'd want? Like that's why I was asking you about it" he tells me, and I'm not sure if I'm just imaging it, but he sounds nervous aswell.

"Yeah thank you, and I appreciate that you'd be willing to do it, but I don't know... it feels weird. Like it doesn't feel right asking you to have sex when I already know it's not really something you want?" I confide in him, and he goes silent for a moment again.

"I'm sorry that it's not just something I can magically want" I can almost hear the frustrated frown in his voice, and I think he took my response the wrong way because he's starting to sound a bit defensive.

"No no no I know" I quickly interject not wanting this to turn into an (another) argument. "I understand your point of view and everything, and I'm not upset or anything about you not wanting sex. I just want to explain my side of it. Which is, that I do still love and enjoy sex, it's just not something that I'm drawn to unless you'd also want it" I explain calmly.

"But I would want to with you" he insists.

"Would you want to? or would you be willing to?" Ask.

"What does that even mean" he, asks and I realize he just completely missed my point. I take a breath and have to remind myself to not get frustrated.

"I'm just trying to say that just because you will have sex doesn't necessarily mean you want to, and that I'm not super into sex unless the other person I'm with is also really into it. And it's neither of our faults, but it might just not work for us, you know?" I'm surprised to hear silence on the other side, I thought I had come to a pretty reasonable conclusion.

"What do you mean, 'but it might just not work for us'?" His voice shakes on the other side, and I realize how what I said sound.

"Oh fuck, I'm sorry" I laugh. "I didn't even think about how that sounds" I breathe a sigh of relief, I feel like this is an argument we can move on from now. "I love you Simon and I love the relationship we have, you don't need to worry about that at all" I still feel guilt twisting in my chest. Everything I told Simon is true, it really is. But I don't think he'd believe that if I told him what I did last night.

"I love you too" his voice sounds so light and happy on the other end, and I don't know why that kills me, but it does.

"Hey, we haven't gone on a real date in forever, are you free tomorrow night?" I ask, out of the corner of my eye I see Jamie walking from my room to the kitchen. I shoot him a pointed stare silently begging him to be quiet while I finish making plans with Simon. I quickly say goodbye and tell him I love him, before hanging up.

"Yo dude, are you supposed to be exclusive now or something? Because the way you were talking to whoever was on the other line made it kinda sound like you are?" He folds his arms and leans against the kitchen table to look at me.

"Yeah kinda, but like he's chill" I shrug it off, hoping he'll do the same.

"Yeah? So you wouldn't mind telling me his name?" He asks, already pulling out his phone.

"Hey dude come on-" I try to get him to calm down, but he cuts me off.

"No" he glares at me. "Getting cheated on is the shittiest fucking feeling, and your man deserves to know what's going on" he continues, and I know he's right, and it's killing me to have to agree with him.

"Fuck you're right" I sit down heavily on the table beside him, and I can't tell if it's just my imagination, but I think I feel him shift away from me. "I feel awful about it I really do, and I love my boyfriend, I don't know what I was even thinking calling you over," I tell him.

"Then why did you do it?" He asks, getting up to open my fridge.

"I don't know, we got into a fight, and I don't know how to date someone who doesn't like sex. That's kinda a big part of it for me" I explain, watching as Jamie grabs an apple and starts eating.

"What? is he like... religious or something? Why doesn't he wanna fuck?" He asks, absentmindedly wandering around my flat, picking up pieces of his clothing that seem to have ended up everywhere but my room.

"No he's asexual," I shrug while following him through my flat. I don't fully trust him alone in my apartment if I'm being honest.

"Wait that's a real thing?" He asks. "Thought that was what the fake fags call themselves when they like the label but aren't actually into fucking dudes?" He laughs as if he thinks it's hilarious, but it makes my blood boil.

"Hey! Maybe I don't treat him the way I should, and maybe I shouldn't have had you over, but he's my boyfriend and I love him. And if you're in my flat you're going to keep his name out of your disgusting fucking mouth, and you're going to show some respect, okay?" My voice gets carried away, and by the end, I'm almost shouting.

"Yeah? My disgusting mouth you were fucking last night? Don't suddenly start thinking you're so righteous and good for telling me off. You're still a shitty boyfriend" he chuckles and I almost snap, I think I could really hurt this man if I let myself. He's hitting every sore spot with a grin on his face.

"Get out" I don't let myself say or do any more than that, because I know I won't be able to stop.

"Okay, but we both know I'll be back here eventually" he shrugs. "And whenever you're ready, I'll be on my way and I'll give you what you need" he winks, and walks out of my flat, doing up the buttons on his shirt as he leaves. The door shutting behind him - one last harsh sound before abrupt silence suffocates me-.

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Can you tell I was angry when I wrote this lmao