My Boy// SnowBaz ✔️

Chapter 23

I end up taking Simon out as I promised. We went to a fancy place for dinner and then went on a midnight walk. Now we're sitting on a park bench, the night sky above us providing privacy to just be ourselves. I think he's enjoyed it quite a lot, but the whole night all I've been able to think about is what I've done. He lights up whenever I tell a joke, and was so quick to rest his head on my neck when we sat down. These are the types of things that usually make life feel important to me, make me feel as alive as I can be. But I know I could lose that all if I told Simon the truth.

Simon could reach into my heart and steal the happiness that resides there, by walking away from me. But I also know I'd be doing the same by telling him that I chose someone else over him, armed only with the excuse of anger. It's so hard to want to choose honestly when I know that it will cause so much pain for Simon.

But I suppose it's akin to the way a storm gets worse before it gets better. Maybe it will just take a season of heartbreak to learn how much I love him (and hopefully him learning to love me). Maybe it's the right thing to do, but right now I'm just going to keep covering my guilt with kindness, and loving gestures.

He turns to me, the moon reflecting in his aggravatingly beautiful eyes, and tells me he loves me. The cool night air raises the hair on my arms, as I lean in to kiss him. I've built so much trust with this man, and I can't bare to think I'm going to have to prove him right in his apprehension towards dating me. I don't think I can keep thinking about this. I know If I don't tell him soon, I'm going to end up doing something stupid. Something easier, like braking it off for no reason, or just trying to avoid him. No. That's not what I'm going to do. I love him and he deserves to know the truth. And unfortunately, the truth is the best chance I have at making the relationship last... and it's a pretty slim chance.

"Hey babe, are you okay?" Simon asks. He can tell I'm stuck in reflection, and I worry irrationally that he can somehow read my thoughts. That he knows, and is just waiting for me to tell him.

"Yeah, I'm okay, just tired" I assure him, but he doesn't look convinced.

"Now Baz, the thing about being someone that uses the 'I'm just tired' excuses whenever I'm feeling down and just don't want to talk about it, means I can tell when other people are using that as an excuse" He raises an eyebrow at me, and my heart drops. Fuck, now what do I say? "Come on, what's up?" He keeps pushing for an answer.

"I don't know" I shrug, and Simon looks defeated.

"Are you still mad about our fight?" He worries, and my chest hurts knowing how kind and gentle this man is. He's sitting here concerned that he's hurt me, while I'm sitting on a massive secret that will crush him.

"Oh no! Not at all. Everything between us is good. Okay, Si? You don't gotta worry" I tell him, (I just wish it was true). "I'm just stressed about managing my Uni, as well as my jobs" I make up a lie I know will put him at ease. He just nods in understanding and rests a hand on my knee.

"Don't worry you'll figure it out" he comforts me, and I hope he's right.