Hunger

Hunger

By Mark Alan Trimeloni

Started on 11/24/2012

Hello my name is John Smith and i'm a food addict. Have been my whole life. I remember some of the earliest moments of childhood were centered around food. My mom always made a good deal of food for us and I dove in like a hog to the trough. Couldn't get enough of it. A way to numb emotions. Because even from an early age I knew one thing clearer than anything else. I never wanted to be born. That life is a series of senseless acts leading to ones final demise. Really what is the point? You live, find things to distract yourself, then die. Children being one of the key items to keep from dwelling on how meaningless all the things we do while we are on this earth are. I don't have kids. Never will. I don't want to bring someone onto this planet that may feel the same way I do about this whole life thing. Regardless, my story is about hunger.

Hunger is hard. The feeling of being empty and having all your emotions at the surface waiting to be unleashed. Doesn't take much to set me off when I'm hungry. Food is a buffer between me and the world. It makes me happy. Then leaves me depressed. The feeling of being sedated never really lasts. Get a good meal and you might make a day of it. Anything bread or pasta can fill you up for a bit. But you always come back to that hunger. You fill yourself up to numb your emotions only to have to do it again a few hours later. Along with the food comes all the maintenance. An honest true habit is a lot of work. I give anyone credit that can maintain it. It's not an easy way out. I've realized this after dozens of diets. Without spending so much money on temporary fixes like alcohol, drugs, food, sex, etc. And trust me if you're married, it's just another form of paying for sex. Look at all the stuff you buy for each other. And when the sex goes south, see how many people break the marriage vows and seek it elsewhere. Best to just ban the whole marriage institution altogether and be what we were meant to be. Animals like the rest of creation. We really are no different. But I digress.

I am going to attempt another diet. I have to. My physical problems are starting to take a toll. Walking is becoming more difficult. Every year there's a new pain in a new place where there never was one before. Some of this is due to age. But a lot of it is due to the weight. I average 325 to 335. Right now, i'm at the low end of that scale. Have been hovering there for awhile now. I can't work and eat at the same time. So when i'm working, i'm not eating. Helps out with the weight loss. Except when I go to a fast food place after work and get three of my favorite burgers along with fries and soda. That doesn't help so much. But it makes the day go faster knowing I have food to look forward to afterwards.

So back to the whole i'm going to diet again. I will start on Monday. Seems Mondays are the usual time for me to start a diet. Gives me the weekend to go crazy. I have been thinking about pizza for a long time. I don't particulary care for pizza, but when you get a mental craving that won't let go, you eventually give in. So I went out and got a pizza. I eat my pizza in the car. First I get a large soda at a different location after I get the pizza, then I drive to a level spot and park the car. I cannot eat on a slant. The feeling of leaning to one side makes me ill. So I am parked and open the pizza box to reveal a medium (I considered large for my last pizza for a while, but I can't eat the whole thing and I hate cold or re-heated pizza) with pepperoni and bacon my favorite. I cannot touch my food. One of many phobias I have. I check the back seat which usually has some plastic utensils only to find a few loose spoons that have seen better days. I'd rather eat with my hands than with those. So I take some napkins and use them to lift the slices out of the box. I am wearing my orange shirt (I thought it was red) because I always spill some down the front. Today was no exception as a lump of tomato sauce landed right below my neck. The clean up went well and thankfully the spot was hardly noticeable. I still had a few more runs to make. I ate at a good pace ending with the few crumbs of bacon that had fallen off the slices. The best part of the pizza experience. I suck back on my soda and take off.

My body has it's own mode of operation when it comes to eating and then going to the bathroom. If I drink something without eating, then i'm good for a few hours before having to go. If I eat and drink, then the clock is ticking. Less than half an hour and I have to pee. So I dismiss the idea of picking up some bridge mix (another of my favorites) and head to the grocery store for some donuts. I drink the rest of the soda once I get there and go inside to grab three things. Half a dozen fresh made donuts (heaven on earth), a pack of 3 lb hotdogs, and a loaf of bread. This and water is what I will live on for the next year except for food I don't buy myself. Holidays and stuff like that. I have planned the time out so I don't have to keep track of dates. I know the day after Black Friday next year I am free to eat as I please again. I want to give myself 1 yr to get my eating under control. I will start on Monday. I will also be buying packets of instant mashed potatos along with all the fruits and vegetables I care to eat. As long as I stay between 1000 to 1200 calories a day, i'll consider the diet a success. This is my time. This is my shot. I'm going to take it.

--John Smith two days til' diet