Hunger

Hunger 11/30/2012 Friday

Hunger

By Mark Alan Trimeloni

Continued on 11/30/2012

My name is John and I'm a food addict.

November 30th 2012

9:08am

This is where it becomes tricky.  All last night I kept thinking about overeating with my diet foods.  I wanted to have more mashed potatoes and hot dogs.  I also thought about having peanut butter on bread.  The thoughts weren't very strong, but persistent.  I didn't do it. But this is where I usually have the most problems staying on diets.  The weekend is my time to relax.  I am five days in and have had a wonderful run.  I have maintained the diet mostly due to working as apartment manager.  As long as i'm working, things go fairly well with dieting.  The problem is over the weekend I do not work.  I can sit around in my apartment thinking about food.

I have my biggest challenge to date.  I am thinking about getting a large pizza with pepperoni and bacon along with a 2 liter of soda.  I don't want to take the entire day off and eat what I want all day.  Just this pizza.  Just for today.  I know this is a trick of my mind, but the fact remains.  I still need to have the occasional time off from my diet.  I can't go all year eating so little and not have something to look forward to.  I've been good all week.  So why not take some time off to have this one little thing.  The problem is now that I'm thinking about having the pizza my mind is telling me why not get something sweet to go with it.  A pie or box of snack cakes.  This is the problem.  Once I start down the road to breaking off, it never seems to stop.  I am debating whether to try some moderation.  In other words, allow the pizza and soda this week, but don't get anything else.  I am still on the fence but leaning heavily towards giving myself this one indulgence for today.  A gift for doing so well all week.  And I have been really good.  I haven't gone off the diet and when I weigh myself I know the results will reflect this.  See the video for my weigh in.  I am so torn.  I really, really need some time off.  The constant going without food is driving me nuts.  Now all I get to look forward to is a life of moderation or deprivation and all the work, pain, loneliness, problems, bill paying, and other shit you have to do just to maintain life.  What the hell?  Is that really living.  I know I am trying to convince myself to go get the pizza but it's impossible to help it.  Life really fucking sucks.  And I have no other vices.  People can eat, drink, do drugs, alcohol, sex, smoke, and all other sorts of things for pleasure.  But here I am with nothing but a lifetime of work and maintainence bullshit to look forward to.  Food is my only vice.  I don't see why once a week I can't have a damn pizza and some regular soda.  It's not like I'm going to gain all the weight back or it's going to do any real physical damage.  I was abusing this food my entire life and every day.  One day a week isn't so bad to give myself something, anything to look forward to.  I know this is a cop out.  But it's so damn hard when you really have nothing you care about to look forward to.  Makes you wonder what the hell's the point.

I am probably going to have that pizza.  But now we need to set the ground rules.  I simply can't live with nothing foodwise to look forward to.  I need to endulge my vice every so often.  As long as it doesn't become a daily thing, I'll be ok.  So this is the deal.  I will do the large pizza with pepperoni and bacon along with the 2 liter soda for today only.  Then next Friday I will plan to have something else I crave.  I will not eat anything else today.  And I will not eat anything but diet food the rest of the week up til' next Friday.  That is the deal.  I hate to do this, but I need this.  I really, really need this.  I'll let you know what happens.