Hunger

Sunday 11/25/2012 9:41am

Hunger

By Mark Alan Trimeloni

Continued on 11/25/2012

My name is John and I’m a food addict.

Sunday 11/25/2012

9:41am

I haven't even started the diet yet and my mind is starting in with the same old tricks.  Maybe if I write them down, I can avoid them.  I am already feeling the anxiety of starting the diet tomorrow.  My mind is laying in the usual groundwork for making me quit the diet later on.  This is how it gets a hold of me early on.

I am trying to finish off the food in the apartment that is not on the diet.  This is quite do able as long as I don't buy any more food today.  If I buy anything food related, then I am doomed to have food in the apartment not on the diet to torture me with thoughts of over eating.  I have thought about having another pizza.  Dis-missed it.  About getting some cheese filled sausages.  Dis-missed it.  About getting a hoagie or submarine sandwich.  Dis-missed it.  About getting soda.  This I have decided to do.  I can finish a two liter soda by tomorrow easily.  It won't be around for the diet and since I’m giving up soda for a year it might not be a bad idea to get the craving out of the way now.  I've thought about getting more donuts.  Dis-missed it.  I've thought about getting grated cheese for a noodle dish later on when I need to use up the American cheese singles I have in the fridge.  Dis-missed it.  I believe that's all for now, but my mind will keep it up until I’ve finished my grocery shopping trip later today.  I have to get another toothbrush.  My last one fell onto a rusty spot in my bathroom and I won't take a chance using it now because of a TV show I saw where a woman used a rusty razor and cut herself only to die from some flesh eating virus that devoured her face.  I need fold top sandwich bags.  I use these to cover my left hand when I go to take a pee.  I have to pee sitting down because of an aiming issue.  When I sit down, a huge flap of skin pins my hand to the toilet seat.  It also gets a bit nasty down there because urine drips out after I go.  I don't like touching my penis after the first bathroom trip after my shower.  So I put a sandwich bag over my hand to keep it clean.  This saves me from having to wash my hands after each trip.  Which for me can be up to 15 times a day due to the large amount of water I drink.  I drink the water for other reasons I may choose to share later.

So I have good reasons for going to the store.  It's just all the other stuff at the store I need to avoid.  So today I will go to the store and only get a two liter bottle of regular coke, a package of fold top sandwich bags, a package of zipper sandwich bags for the hotdog and bread breakdown later, and a toothbrush.  These things will appear in the video part of this story.

That's all for now.  Wish me luck.

11:11am

I am about to go to the store.  Remembered I wanted to pick up a couple of cans of tuna fish to finish off some miracle whip I have left in the fridge.  Anything that is not on the diet and I do not eat by midnight today, will go into the trash.  I hate throwing away food but the temptation will be too much if I have to look at it during the week.  So I’m off to the store and will show on video all the stuff I need to eat today or throw away.  As long as I don’t pick up anything extra, I should be fine.

12:19pm

Well I did my grocery shopping and it went pretty well.  I did pick up more than I wanted.  Bill came to about $15 which is more than I wanted to spend.  Let me walk through what happened.  I only had $11 on me.  My mind played its usual tricks and convinced me to get $40 out of the atm just in case I needed the money during the week.  Good move.  I fell for it.  Gave me more money to spend.  When I went to the store, I got an extra box of fold top bags to have on hand.  Not bad.  I picked up a half gallon of milk because I found some cookies in the cupboard.  I like my cookies with milk so I bought the milk.  Also since I wasn’t going to have milk for a while, I figured why not go for it.  Can always throw away what I don’t use today.  Good move.  Mind two me zero.  Then I got an extra can of tuna because I figured I had all this miracle whip (atleast half a jar) to use up.  Mind three me zero.  The rest was off the list.  This is what I am talking about.  My mind tricks me over and over again.  Now that I’m writing it down I’ll have a record of the many ways I eventually quit my diets.  My mind can’t hide its tricks anymore.  Not with me writing it all down.

Now you might be asking yourself.  Why am I sharing all this with complete strangers?  Posting my struggle in public for all to see.  The reason is simple.  When I put this up, I am accountable.  I now have to take responsibility for my actions.  I did this about 6 months ago and managed to stay on a diet for two weeks.  I broke off the diet when (you guessed it), I stopped doing the diet journals.  My mind convinced me to take a break back then.  I will not do that now.  You are about to see me at my worse and hopefully I will succeed by being brutally honest.  By sharing what 45 yrs. of overeating has cost me both mentally and physically.  And it has been one hell of a toll.  Too much to share now.  Everything will come out as I do more diet journals, continue the hunger story, and go deeper into the diet as more time passes.  I have so much to share.  Not just for you but for myself.  This is my last time dieting.  If I fail, I will never diet again.  I will eat myself to death, which is what I’ve been doing anyway.  I’ll give my mind the victory and we can follow each other into the grave.  A slow painful death due to my health problems.  But I wonder who will get the last laugh?

Ok. On the video you will see what I bought at the store and what I need to eat or throw away by midnight tonight.  So until then.  Take care and God bless.