Hunger

Hunger 11/26/2012 5:24am

Hunger

By Mark Alan Trimeloni

Continued on 11/26/2012

Hi my name is John and I’m a food addict.

November 26th 2012, Monday

5:24am

My mind is off to an early start.  That didn't take much time.  On the diet a little over 5hrs and I’ve already received my first pokes at breaking the diet.  I was on the toilet.  Then the thought hit me.  I could take today off and eat what I want and start tomorrow.  I could go to this pizza restaurant I like and get a large calzone (sort of like a Stromboli with mozzarella cheese, ricotta, and ham).  A strange choice for my mind to pick since I've thought about getting one for months now and haven't bought one in over a year.  They cost $20 and I can get three meals out of them because they are so huge.  Regardless, I’ve fought the idea down like I will have to do with various temptations at least 100 times today.

I have to admit it is liberating doing these journals.  Yesterday, after writing down all the things the mind was telling me to eat, I had some peace.  No more thoughts about those things I had written down.  I am still having no further thoughts about those items.  It's like my mind has been caught and will try other tactics before eventually going back to the original ones.  Trust me, if I didn’t write them down, I’d be thinking about eating those things all day.  The mental torture is horrible.  And if you've ever tried to break a bad habit (i.e. smoking, drinking, drugs, etc.), then you know exactly what I am talking about.  And if you haven't, then it's time to stop lying to yourself about having a bad habit.  We each have at least one crutch.  Something we do to excess and want to get under control.  It's just a matter of being able to see what that is.  For a food addict, it's written all over our bodies.  The weight a clear indication of a potential problem.  Weight alone is not the issue.  We should be whatever weight we feel comfortable at.  And that doesn't have to be along doctors’ body weight charts or government propaganda.  Weight is different for each person.  If you are comfortable at yours and that includes all medical problems associated with it, then I say live at that weight as long as you can.  Personal freedom is above all.

I was over full the whole day yesterday.  Trying to eat all that food before midnight kept me stuffed.  I am hungry now.  Doesn't take long for it to digest.  I will be throwing a bit of food away.  Check the video and see.  I am also drinking my first large glass of water.  Hopefully, I’ll be able to reduce the number of them I drink in a day.  Check the video for what this large glass looks like (a plastic cup really).

Well with the first ideas of breaking the diet out of the way, I can now settle in for the rest of the day.  The hunger will hit and last about 3 days.  The physical hunger I mean.  Then it's all a mental battle.  I will highlight the good things that are happening.  I need something to hold onto.  This first week and a half will be horrible.  Outright assaults on the diet by my mind trying to get me to eat something, anything to make me lose confidence.  Then the real battle begins.  The one I’ve lost for the last 45 yrs.  The slow, sneaky mental battle.  These journals will come under attack early.  My mind knows that as long as I write them it cannot get me to break the diet.  So we'll keep the journals going.  I'll also have a weigh in when I officially wake up to get the starting weight.  Then each morning after that to monitor weight loss.  It'll be fast at first then slow down until I hit a peak.  Well enough talking about it.  Time to get it done.  Good morning to you.

12:31pm

It’s been a fairly temptation free day until now.  I decided to take a full shower.  I shower almost every day, but some days I just do the most important areas instead of my entire body.  I feel better.

On the way to the shower my mind took another shot at me.  I wasn’t able to finish the noodle dish I prepared yesterday.  It’s still in the fridge.  I planned to throw out all the food not on the diet that I didn’t eat yesterday when I went for a walk with my mom.  Turns out she got last minute plans to go shopping with my dad and had to cancel.  So now I have food in the apartment that shouldn’t be here.  I need to just put it all in a trash bag and get rid of it.  The longer it’s in the apartment the greater the chance I will eat it.  Yet, I can’t seem to bring myself to do this one thing.  I know I need to, but part of me wants to wait until tonight when I do the video part of this journal.  I can do the video now and upload it with the rest of the story, but my mind wants me to wait.  Giving me ideas that what is the harm in waiting.  I can certainly hold off for a few hours besides won’t the food start to smell once it’s in the trash.  The solution is to simply take it out to the bin at this apartment building.  I should do that.  But part of me doesn’t want to.  I have yet to make a decisive decision one way or the other.

I’ve decided to do the video and upload these journals around 6:pm each day.  I’m going to treat this day like any other work day and get into the rhythm of handling this journal based on a regular work schedule.   That way I can work out the bugs while I am off this week instead of during a stressful work week.  I think it’s a good idea.  We’ll see how it works.

I am still getting the idea to take the day off.  This time to finish off the food I have in the apartment that isn’t on the diet.  A cool ploy but one that will not work.  I’ve been down this road too many times.  You give yourself one day off (and the first day of the diet no less) and you’ll never even get the thing started.  Or if you’ve started, you’ll never continue.  So the answer to that give myself a day off question is no.

8:43pm

The reason this diet journal is late is because I never intended to do it.  The day continued with me thinking about food off and on.  Nothing specific.  Just a general idea of eating something.  I could feel the hunger, but nothing very strong.  That will come later.  Just a general emptiness that I would normally fill with food.

I knew keeping the food I didn’t eat yesterday that was not on the diet was a bad idea.  This proved itself when I went into, and there really is no better way to describe it, a food haze.  Anyone who has dieted has a good idea of what I’m talking about.  It’s when you eat without thinking.  I was doing well until I went into the kitchen around 5.  That’s when I blindly went into the fridge and couldn’t stop myself from taking the remainder of the noodle dish out and placing it in the microwave.  I kept telling myself no even as I was nuking it.  Tried to talk myself down even as I was eating it.  And that’s when I decided to not finish this diet journal or do a video for today.  I would wait until tomorrow and try again.  Only I wouldn’t mention it in this journal.  I’d lie to cover up my eating the remainder of the food from yesterday.  That’s how this whole thing works.  Drop accountability and let all the overeating happen.  After finishing the noodle dish and having the rest of the trail mix, I took a nap.  When I woke from that nap, I went over what had happened.  Yes, I did eat things that were not on the diet menu.  But after figuring the calories in my head I realized something.  I did not eat over 1200 calories.  I planned to finish the cookies and have the elbow macaroni later.  But I haven’t yet.  So by not eating anything else today I would still be on the diet.  Turns out my mind won an initial victory, but I can still win the battle today.  That’s what I intend to do.

I will throw away those cookies.  See the video.  I will finish the elbow macaroni and chicken bouillon cubes tomorrow in place of the mashed potatoes.  This will allow me to finish out the remainder of the food not on the diet and still stay on the diet.  I have to be careful of the blind eating in the future.  The impulse is so strong it’s like someone taking over your body.  You feel so helpless even as you are screaming inside to stop eating.  I have had a day of it and am ready to settle in for the night.  The night is my hardest time for resisting food.  Luckily, there is little food left except for the foods on my diet.  I don’t like having to eat once a day in this first week, but I am unable to do it any other way.  I am a food addict.  Food is my drug.  And the more chances I allow myself to be unclear as to when I can and cannot eat.  The more likely I am to break off this diet.  I am going to do a weigh in.  See the video.  Just know that this weigh in is after I’ve eaten and been drinking today.  So I will weigh heavy.  But it gives me a starting point.  Have a great night.  I hope I do as well.