I Would Hate To Be You

Chapter 44 [may i say i loved you more]

Chapter 44

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May 4

Two weeks ago, Guian sent me a message congratulating me on my first day at work. We exchanged text messages that day and at the end of it, he asked me if I can make myself available on May 4—which is his birthday. He said he just wants to hang out and watch a movie together. Of course, I knew right there and then, that it means Japheth will be with us if that happens. And I wasn't sure at first whether to agree or not because during that day, everything about our Batangas trip was still fresh. Back then, I knew it in my spirit that I wasn't ready to see Japheth because if I do, I might break down again. Even the thoughts of him are already wrecking me, what more if I see him in person, right?

Pero alam ko rin no'ng araw na 'yun na kailangan ni Guian ng kaibigan sa birthday niya kaya pumayag ako. For sure, he still doesn't want to hang out with Jillian because of what happened with Cyrus. Which means that Mitch wouldn't be with him because she'll choose her best friend. James will choose to be with his girlfriend and Nick will always choose to be with Jillian. All of them just can't be together yet in one room. Kaya si Japheth lang ang sigurado na makakasama namin.

And so today, I will be a friend to Guian and choose to celebrate him. I'll be a friend to Japheth, too, just like how we used to. For although we already lost something that hasn't happened yet, I don't want our other relationship to go down the drain.

He said before that he can't risk this. Whatever heck that means. But I'll give it to him. I'll give it to us. We're already hurting for only God knows how deep, might as well not waste the pain. So today, I choose not to shipwreck our friendship. Today, I choose to rise above my emotions and decide every single moment to understand him.

Because Kuya Boaz was right when he said that Japheth's pain is valid and it's not his fault that there's a void in his heart that no one—not even I, can fill. It's not his fault that he is still wounded and he hasn't fully healed yet. Where he is a different level of hell that I know nothing of. And although I am willing to go through all of that, if he doesn't want me there, I couldn't and shouldn't force him because that will be selfish of me.

That's why even if his decision hurt me, I will choose to respect that—painful as it may be. Because I love him so much. I'll take that bullet for him. But it's funny, isn't it? How sometimes, the person we'd take the bullet for is the one who's behind the trigger. That's just the case for us. But I'll do it, anyway. Any chance I get. Because I love him. So darn much.

Like usual, we decided to meet up at Dragon Café. Paglabas ko ng bahay, nag-text na ako kay Guian na papunta na ako. Sumakay ako ng taxi sa kanto namin at habang nasa sasakyan ako, nanlalamig ang buong katawan ko. Kinakabahan ako dahil ito ang unang beses na magkikita kami ni Japheth pagkatapos ng nangyari.

"Relax," I whispered to myself while breathing in. I kept on repeating that in my head until we finally arrived in Town Square.

The walk going to D.C was dreadful. Every step I took was heavy and I couldn't count the number of times I almost turned my back.

When I finally saw the store from afar, I held my chest and sighed heavily.

I gently massaged my cheeks and tried to smile. Paulit-ulit kong ginawa 'yun hanggang sa makarating ako sa tapat ng D.C.

Huminga ako nang malalim bago ko binuksan ang pinto. "Welcome to torture," I told myself when I entered while forcing myself to smile.

And oh, how damning it was that the first thing I saw was a Japheth Ephraim looking at me. He was sitting at Tokyo and his eyes are already on me—like he has been staring at the door from where he was for quite a while now. When our eyes locked, something inside my stomach churned. Those eyes are gut-wrenching and piercing. And they're looking at me behind those specs. He's wearing those glasses again. I can't help but remember how he only wears glasses when he's not feeling well. Most of the time, he uses them when he just came from a heavy emotional breakdown.