I Would Hate To Be You

Chapter 45 [200230M]

Chapter 45

"Anong comment ni Guian after mong sabihin 'yun?" Sash asked curiously while she's lying down on my bed. I just finished re-telling what transpired in my conversation with Guian last week. Sobrang delayed ang kuwento ko sa kaniya dahil busy ako sa work at halos hindi ko mahawakan ang phone ko kapag working hours. Kapag gabi naman, sobrang pagoda na ang ganda ko kaya hindi na ako nakaka-chika sa kaniya. Naisip ko rin na mas maganda na i-kuwento ko na lang sa kaniya nang personal since na-miss ko rin naman siya.

Of course, since it's Fragile Marquez, I couldn't bring her outside. No matter how much force I exert on convincing her to go somewhere, she would still rather spend time with me at the comfort of our home. I tried bribing her yesterday. I told her that our date will be on me—but she didn't even think twice and she insisted that we just spend the day in my room where she can just lie down and not worry about anything at all. Hence, we're bumming ourselves in my bed. Like old times. And I like that. I like that I can still do stuff like this with her.

This makes me happy. Because at least, some of the things in my life haven't changed . . . yet. I know that one day, this set-up will no longer work for the both of us. One year from now, Sash will graduate and take the CPA Licensure Exam. Then, after that, she'll go to law school. Kaya susulitin ko na ang natitirang mga araw na pwede pa naming magawa ang ganito. 

I sat down and rested my back on the headboard. "Well, he didn't say anything after that. He just quietly buckled his seatbelt and started maneuvering the car. His silence was maybe his acknowledgment. Maybe it's his way of conceding because he knows full-well that Japheth could never do the same thing that Jin has done and is still is doing for me. Choosing me." Bumuntong-hininga ako at yinakap ang unan na linagay ko sa tiyan ko.

The memories of that day came rushing like a raging wave, drowning me. As if it doesn't want to give me enough time to put my feet on the sand beneath and swim myself back to the shore.

The things I learned about Japheth caused me to even further be taken in the middle of that ocean of uncertainty and haze.

Because no matter how moving the gestures he did for me in secret are, they're still not enough reason for me to believe that he really does like me. If he does . . . I hope to hear it from him directly. But clearly, that's never going to happen. And painful as it may be, I have to come to terms with the fact that I will never hear his confession. Not even if I beg.

Sash elevated her head and put her hands behind her nape. She looked at my room's ceiling and sighed. "Dahil sa inyo, hindi ko na tuloy alam kung alin ba ang mas masakit. 'Yun ba 'yung nagmamahal ka ng taong alam mong kahit kailan hindi ka mamahalin pabalik? O 'yun ba 'yung alam mong pareho naman kayo ng nararamdaman, pero hindi niyo magawan ng paraan?" she asked with a defeated tone.

Hindi ko na rin alam.

Maybe Guian was right when he said that we are wasting our chance. But what can I do when I'm the only one who's willing to fight? It's not as if I can force my way into his heart when he clearly wants to shut me down every chance he gets, right?

A ghost of both frustration and hurt visited me once again. I closed my eyes and shook my head to get it out of my system.

I tried to scrape away all of the memories that keep on haunting me.

Our Batangas trip. And the way he made me feel all sorts of happiness that day. The way his eyes smiled while we're having a conversation in the dining area. The way he laughed as I sing him a birthday song which is completely off-key. The way he held me while trying to pull me away from that stranger. The way he gazed at the sunset and said he wished for that moment to not come to an end. The way he looked at me while saying that I am iridescent.