I Would Hate To Be You

Chapter 46 [hatid]

Chapter 46

Minahal pero hindi pinili.

Ito ang mga salitang paulit-ulit na naririnig ko sa utak ko hanggang sa ihatid ako ni Guian pauwi noong araw na malaman ko ang tungkol sa sikreto ni Japheth. Dahil 'yun ang pinamukha sa'kin ng kantang sinulat niya para sa'kin. It tells me that I matter . . . but just not enough for him to forget about his reservations and fight for me. Guian was right when he said I would hate to be me when I found out what that song is about. Because that's the confession I will never hear from Japheth. He didn't tell me about it when he had the chance. When I asked him. But even now that I already knew, I still couldn't do anything about it.

I didn't know where to place all the pain I was feeling that day. And when the night came, I cried myself to sleep, because I couldn't take the image of him singing that song out of my head. The pain of that memory flashing back in my mind is beyond excruciating.

It's a hellish nightmare that I had to bear for a few weeks. There were even days at work when I find myself in trance. At kapag tinatanong nila ako kung bakit, sinasabi ko palagi na pagod lang ako.

Pero dahil hindi naman tumigil ang mundo, kinailangan kong bumangon araw-araw at harapin ang bawat umaga kahit na sobrang bigat ng nararamdaman ko. Wala akong magawa kung hindi ang subukang makalimot.

I just made myself busy with work. I made sure every single time, I was pre-occupied with my deliverables. Kapag naman nakauwi na ako sa bahay, kinakausap ko agad ang pamilya ko at kapag nasa kwarto ako, nanunuod ako ng kung anu-ano. I didn't allow myself to have an idle time. Because I was so scared it will give me room to think about Japheth and I didn't want that to happen.

The first two weeks of my July were spent on working overtime with Jin. We would meet up every night in a coffee shop and do the project together before going home. Gano'n ang naging sistema namin. Minsan late na kami nakakauwi dahil naabutan pa kami ng traffic. Pero kahit papaano ay nakatulong sa'kin 'yun dahil sa mga panahon na kasama ko siya, nakakalimot ako. Nakakalimutan ko na hindi ako kapili-pili. Nakakalimutan ko na mayroong isang tao na paulit-ulit akong tinatanggihan. Because Jin is a proof that I'm both worth loving and choosing. It doesn't have to be either. No in-between.

When we finally wrapped up our project, bumawi ako sa kaniya. We went to Maginhawa during the weekend and we watched a spoken word poetry event together. Utang ko pa 'yun sa kanila ni Elysse since last year dahil noong panahon na dapat manunuod kami, hindi kami natuloy dahil kinailangan kong umalis nang maaga. Pero para saan ang ginawa ko na 'yun noong nakaraang taon? Para saktan lang ako ng taong pinili kong puntahan at hanapin.

Jin and I spent that whole day together and I could swear, I felt genuinely happy. He made me smile and laugh. He made me feel like it's okay to forget about all the hurting, even for just one day. He really just has that within him, I guess. Something about him that tells me things don't have to be complicated. That it's okay . . . for things to be easy, simple and yet beautiful. It's so different when I'm with Japheth. Things are so messy, unclear and complicated with him.

Mabilis na lumipas ang mga araw. Before we knew it, we were already past the month of July. Too bad we weren't able to celebrate Elysse's birthday because she's busy with her Master's. Plus, both Jin and I are busy with our work. But I promised her that we will have a post-celebration. I also promised that I'll drag Sash with us. Come hell or high water. Siya ang gift ko sa kaniya. Dahil kapag napalabas ko ang Fragile Marquez sa lungga niya, malaking achievement na 'yun para sa'ming magkakaibigan.

Pero bago 'yun, kailangan ko lang itawid ang isang major event sa office. Mayroon kasi kaming pinaghahandaan na ganap sa first week ng August. Ito ang dahilan kung bakit kahit tapos na ang big rock ko sa IT Department, hindi pa rin naging maluwag ang workload ko.