What You Are Is Beautiful

We Still Have Our Vows

Dinner that night was as usual. In other words, it consisted of eating the small animals the traps had caught, and wow, did weasel taste weird. Ava wasn't quite used to this kind of thing and she wondered why the other Sisters seemed so used to it. Maybe it was just their discipline. It had to be that.

Lilith and Camila were in their own conversation and the rest of the group stayed quiet as they ate. Ava wanted to say something. She wasn't a fan of silence because she didn't fare well in it. She did much better while chattering and joking, but lately that wasn't helping anyone. This wasn't the usual stress of a mission for them. This was messing up and being hunted down by their own friends and family.

Ava found herself getting nervous and fidgeting with the bark on the log under her. She had to do something to quell the tension building within herself. "So...how was your day, Mary?"

Mary continued to look down at her food. "It was alright."

Ava waited for any further response. She was desperate to put an end to her silence. Lilith and Camila's conversation had slowly died down and they were now focused on her and Mary. She had to say something now.

"Uh okay." Ava paused and thought of anything she could say. "Have you guys been to the river yet? It's real nice in the afternoon. Too cold in the morning, but it's a nice place to cool off later in the day. Plus, there's little fish in it sometimes."

Camila seemed interested. "But what do you swim in?"

"Well, if you don't want to get your clothes wet, I usually wade in my underwear and then dry off before putting my dry clothes back on."

Beatrice went stiff as a board at the idea of Ava in her undergarments. She dropped her plate in her frustration. "I'll be right back," she croaked as she as she walked away with her dirt covered plate.

Mary chuckled to herself. "Y'all nuns are always such prudes."

Ava couldn't help but laugh a little herself when Camila chimed in. "It's part of the gig."

Lilith noticeably smiled at Camila.

"Holy shit! She can smile!" Ava squealed with a huge goofy grin. "I think that's the first time I've seen Lilith genuinely smile."

"I can smile," Lilith decided to feed into her joke. "I just don't do it around you."

"Damn. A bit harsh don't ya say?"

"Well, now you're really one of us and we're in this mess together."

Ava felt solace at the remark but didn't know what to say to that. The silence afterward immediately made her feel awkward again. Luckily, Beatrice was back. She sat down and brushed down her blue button up with the solar system printed all over it. The whole group was looking like a bunch of raggedy hippies, but Beatrice managed to look cute in her stolen outfit.

"Welcome back," Mary commented on her reappearance.

"Thank you," Beatrice muttered in response. She stared down at her shoes instead of looking up to respond. Ava gave the other Sisters a weird look as if to ask if this was normal behavior. All she got were confused glances as well as a little smirk from Camila.

Camila swooped in to save the conversation by asking the other Sisters when they swam last. Mary, Lilith and Camila entered into a smiley reminiscing on the time Lilith fell into a pool while on mission and had to walk the rest of the way back to the van soaking wet only to have to sit on the floor to not damage the seats. Ava didn't know how to join in, but at least she wasn't surrounded by silence anymore.

Beatrice had noticed when Ava had started her fidgeting with the bark before she left, but the thought of her in her undergarments stirred the part of Beatrice that she swore to never awaken.

She figured that Ava would fare the small talk okay on her own and Beatrice just couldn't handle sitting in the presence of the girl who so easily got to her. But when she sat down, it only got worse. Just when she thought she had her feelings back in reign, Ava absentmindedly began tapping her feet and wrapped one around Beatrice's ankle. And just like that, Beatrice's mind was back to all the things she wanted but never should. Her mind went back to all the times she had wanted to kiss the girl, starting to when she first passed through her 20 feet of stone. Her mind brought her back to the idea of the halo bearer in only her undergarments.

Beatrice fought hard to remind herself that what she was feeling would be temporary. She wouldn't feel these things forever. They weren't right. They weren't feelings she was supposed to be having and if she stayed pure, they would go away. That's what she had been taught. It had to be true. Otherwise her joining the OCS would be for nothing and her pain would continue to tear her apart.

"Beatrice," Mary called out. "Damn girl. How out of it are you?"

"My apologies," she quickly responded. She calmed the intense hammering in her chest and looked up.

"Well, I was asking: When's the last time you went swimming?"

"Oh my. It's been a while. Since before I joined the Order. They don't make nun appropriate swimwear as you already know."

"Prudes," Mary scoffed again.

"So...you guys don't do stuff like swimming as nuns? Is that a thing you aren't allowed to do?" The thought seemed surreal to Ava but it made sense too. They're activities were already very restricted because they had sworn to serve God and only him for the rest of their lives, but still.

Beatrice piped up first. Maybe it would help her really internalize her duty again. "Swim wear isn't exactly modest."

"Well, you guys aren't 100% nuns anymore. You have more freedom now. Why not enjoy it?"

That killed it. The whole conversation. Wow, nice going Ava. Just when things were lightening up, you fuck it up.

"We still have our vows." Camila looked even more distressed than before. Her brows were knit together and her face was fixed into a deep frown. "Even if we messed up, we still have them. And that's just between us and God, right?"

Ava didn't say anything to that and it seemed that no one else could say anything either. Ava wished she knew something to say to calm her and reassure her that no God would hold her genuine effort against her. But shw just sat in silence, very aware of how royally she fucked up yet again. All she could do was croak put her sad apology: "I'm sorry." And with that, she stood and made her way to clean off her plate. She then made her way to her tent. She didn't need to stay to fuck things up even more. All she had done since entering these women's lives was mess them up.