What You Are Is Beautiful

"It's All I Know"

Beatrice felt bad. She knew that Ava was trying her best given the situation. She wondered how much social interaction she had been given in the orphanage, but given her conditions prior to becoming the halo bearer, she assumed it was minimal. Her poor socialization was cute though,   until the comment about having more freedom. That's what had really gotten to Beatrice.

The nun was aware that she didn't have to follow the rules and that she was most likely considered a traitor and even a terrorist to her own church, but she still felt like a nun. She still felt shame for herself and still felt like she needed to stay disciplined and try to be better when she knew she was never going to be enough. She was never going to be enough because she felt like she was never enough. Even if there was evidence otherwise, she knew within herself that God wouldn't approve of her. Her heart still wasn't pure. And now it was worse.

Now she had messed up while doing what she thought was saving her friends and family, but she only managed to put everyone in danger. And while it was partially because of Ava's idea, Beatrice felt like she was the one to blame. She felt like she was the sole culprit just because, well, she was her. She was Beatrice and therefore it had to be her fault. Everything was. It always had been. For as long as she could remember, her existence was a mistake. And just when she was almost convinced that she had really devoted herself to be something better, she messed up again.

But she needed to be there for Ava. Even if she felt like she needed to curl up on herself and cry, she had to make sure that Ava was okay. She was truly trying her best and Bea knew how hard it was for her at the moment. She made her way over to the pocket of foliage Ava had placed her tent beside and lightly tapped on the door. "Ava?" When she heard no response, she tried again, this time lightly shaking the tent. "Ava? It's Beatrice. Can I talk to you?" After that didn't work, she unzipped the tent door and allowed herself to crouch in the space beside Ava's sleeping bag where she was curled up and facing away from the ex-nun.

"Ava," Beatrice softly murmured.

"No response is not an invitation in."

Beatrice felt a pang at that. "If you wish for me to leave, I will." She paused. "Do you want me to leave?"

Ava day for a moment before she rolled over. "No."

"Okay then." Beatrice zipped the tent door shut. "I wanted to say sorry for tonight."

"Why? You didn't do anything wrong. I fucked up again. It wasn't you. It was me like always." Ava sighed and rolled over again. She faced away from Beatrice. "I'm sorry for making that comment. I thought it would help. I thought it would make you all feel better, but I was wrong. Again."

Beatrice didn't know exactly what to say. She looked at the girl before her and placed a hand on her shoulder. Ava tensed at first, but then relaxed into the touch. "I understand and thank you for trying to help. The thing about nuns is that we spent years working toward what we are. We spent years working through the pain and becoming more disciplined in order to become servants to God and only Him."

Ava turned around then. "That's what I don't understand. I understand sacrificing, but it's so extreme. There's only two circumstances that I can see feeding into nun-hood. Either you're in an extreme amount of pain and shame and you feel the need to completely punish yourself for being human, or you've been conditioned to submit and only submit. Either way, I can't see any of this as healthy."

Beatrice's lips thinned as she pulled them into a straight line. She didn't know what to say.

"Like, you're running from who you are, Camila was clearly conditioned to submit to anyone because they said so, Lilith feels a responsibility to her family's legacy... Mary is the only one who isn't running from herself or to something to please someone else."

Beatrice still sat in silence. She looked down. She let out a shaky breath before looking up. "Being a nun is about discipline and serving God."

"But you have to take care of yourself. That includes learning to love who you are."

Beatrice sat back further. She had to say something,but she didn't want to acknowledge that that may be the truth. Not out loud yet. "I suppose you are right. That we all need to love ourselves." It hurt to speak at this point. She didn't like thinking about the pain she was running from when she first took her vows or how it continued to follow her the more she ran.

"Then why do you stay in a faith that condemns you for something you can't control?"

Beatrice sighed and tried to fight the tears threatening to push through. She couldn't look at Ava. She knew if she did, she would break. "Because I don't know anything else." She looked down and crossed her arms over herself from where she sat. She pulled herself inward by the elbows, holding herself in a hug.

Ava moved forward to put her hands on Bea's shoulders and was mildly upset when she flinched in response, but she soon softened into Ava and looked up. One tear managed to slide out and leave a trail of tears of pain on her face. Without thinking any further, Ava pulled her into a close hug. She rubbed small circles on Bea's back as the girl's shaky breath cane and went. After a few moments, Beatrice broke away.

"Are you okay?" Ava inquired, worry staining her features.

"Yeah," Beatrice rasped. "I'm going to try to sleep a little bit, but I'll see you tomorrow morning for the river?"

"You bet," Ava smiled softly. "I wouldn't miss that for the world."

With that, Bea left to go sleep. Ava couldn't stop thinking about what the nun had possibly done that was horrible enough to get shipped off to Catholic school. She still hadn't had that answered, but she had a good idea what's it was and it broke her heart to think about. She drifted off to sleep with Beatrice still running through her mind.