What You Are Is Beautiful

It's Nothing

"Okay," Ava murmured soothingly.

"I have been trying for so long to change it, but I can't. The more I try, the more it hurts. I pray and I pray and I devote myself more and more to God and he refuses to answer," she sniffled. "God is silent."

"Beatrice..."

"No, I can't be this." Ava saw her shake with grief. "I can't be this, but I also can't be anything else. I can't control it. This is my cross to bear."

"Beatrice."

"I'm-"

"No, Beatrice. You are okay as you are." Ava moved closer and pulled Beatrice into a hug. Beatrice rested her head on Ava's chest and clung to her for dear life. She shook with sobs and Ava wrapped her arms around her tight, smoothing her hands over her hair as she cried. "You are beautiful as you are." Ava sighed. "Even this. Everything you are is beautiful. If you can't control it, then why would God ever make you this way? A merciful father doesn't curse his children just to suffer. This isn't a challenge. This isn't a punishment. This is who you are and who you love. You've been taught otherwise, but I know it in my heart that you are good. All of you. And maybe, if there was really something wrong, he would answer. But if there isn't, then is there any reason to intervene?"

Beatrice shook in her embrace. The words that she had never heard regarding the subject. The words that she had heard of, but been told were the excuses of miserable sinners. She listened to the more familiar ones. The ones she had heard before from Ava before and she let herself be taken back to that place. She let her mind bring her back to the seating room in Arq technology where she read Sister Melanie's story. She let herself fall back in time to the thrill when Ava passed through the wall. For the first time ever, she almost believed what Ava told her. What you are is beautiful.

The words ring loud and clear in her mind as they were repeated to her again now. "What you are is beautiful."

Ava held onto Beatrice as she desperately clung to her and sobbed out all of the pain she had accumulated over who knows how long. Beatrice shifted to completely face Ava. She scooted herself closer until she was pressed against the other girl. She curled in on her in a manner she hadn't since being a small child. She knew she was a sniveling mess, but she didn't care. She needed this. She had needed it for so long and here it was. She was finally being held and comforted. For just a moment, she felt less alone.

Beatrice cried and Ava held her and cooed soothing words to her for several minutes until Beatrice sat up. Ava gave her space and waited to see what she would do next. She wasn't used to this soothing thing. She wasn't sure of what to do and she was operating purely off of instinct. 

"I'm sorry," Beatrice croaked out. She sniffled again and wiped at her cheeks with the back of her hand.

Ava placed her hands on her shoulders and rubbed them gently. "Don't apologize." She moved to cup her cheek. "I'm here for you."

"Okay," Beatrice whispered.

"Plus I get it," Ava smirked. "Girls are great." Beatrice smiled and released an amused huff, whipping away her tears.

Ava didn't want to leave Beatrice here, but she had to go meet the other Sisters at the river. "Do you want to come with me? I think you would have fun."

Beatrice smiled slightly as she stared into the eyes that shone with affection. "Give me a minute to calm down? I don't want the others to know I've been crying."

Ava smiled in return. "Take as long as you need."

Beatrice felt incredibly light. Crying had made her feel so much better and she still couldn't stop replaying what Ava had said. What you are is beautiful. What you are is beautiful. What you are is beautiful... For the first time in ages, Beatrice didn't feel all alone. She felt like Ava saw through her walls and into the girl she was behind them. And for once, she wasn't terrified by the idea of someone knowing who she really was because it was Ava. Ava who continued to accept her and tried to help her accept herself. "I'm ready."