What You Are Is Beautiful

Affectionate Ava part 2

Beatrice sat at dinner with the other Sisters and Ava feeling very aware of Ava who seemed very unaware of herself. Ava was affectionate and everyone had seemed to notice, but she was very affectionate with Beatrice. The nun decided to not read into it too much, but it was hard when the sandy haired girl was absentmindedly tracing lines on the back of Bea's hand.

"So we can't stay much longer. We have to keep moving." Lilith took charge into the conversation.

"But where do we have to go? We would have to scout for another area suitable for our tents to be hidden and not subject to removal." Camila worried away at the seam on her cuff, pulling at the threads and twisting them into little knots. She still hadn't quite mastered the outward decoupling of the other nuns.

Mary sighed loudly. "We always have that town we saved last year. Assuming they still see us as the group that saved their people and not a group of religious extremists."

"It's worth a shot, right?" Ava looked around. "Plus we might be able to clean up a bit. I can tell that you guys haven't been down to the river lately," she joked.

"Well what is that supposed to mean?" Lilith challenged her with a glare.

"It means you guys haven't been to the river to clean off and it shows. As much as I love you guys, you stink just a bit."

"Well, how do we clean off without privacy?" Camila shook her head. "Modesty is still important."

"So is cleanliness. And it's fun. Plus, I haven't gone in naked, just in my underwear. They cover more than a bikini, so I would call that modest enough considering the context," Ava shrugged. "Plus it's fun. There's little fishies in the river sometimes too."

"Wait a minute," Mary interrupted. "There's a food source in the river and you're just now telling us?"

"Well maybe you should've gone down to the river sooner."

"But Beatrice has gone with you nearly every day." Lilith piped up, annoyed.

"She's a prude like you and refused to get in the water if it required removing any clothing," Ava chuckled. "I didn't think about the fish as a food source. They're so little and cute." Ava smiled at the thought. "If you sit in the water, they nibble off any dirt. It tickles, but it's effective and they're adorable. You should try it sometime before we plan on being anyone's guests."

"Well..." Camila smiled shyly, "it would be fun to have a swim and it would feel nice to be clean. Not showering for a week has been rough."

"Well I guess I have a swimming buddy for tomorrow. You all can feel free to come. You are more than welcome."

"Watch it," Lilith snapped. Ava only chuckled in response and gave Beatrice's hand a little squeeze.

Beatrice felt her heart skip a beat and she looked down as a blush crept over her. "When do you suggest we leave for Antequera?" Beatrice tried to ignore the fire she felt burning through her veins at Ava's touch.

"Hopefully soon," Camila interjected.

"Day after tomorrow? Does that give us enough time to get packed up and ready for the trip?" Lilith looked around her for an answer.

The other Sisters just nodded in response. Mary gave her verbal response. "Sounds like a plan to me. We leave day after tomorrow for Antequera."

The rest of dinner was like usual. Camila and Lilith spoke the most and Mary occasionally interjected for some much appreciated sarcasm. Ava had plenty to laugh at and was smiling her goofy grin like always. Beatrice was still in a funk that had been hovering over her for the greater portion of the week. It worried Ava. She needed her pun buddy back.

Beatrice was the first to leave the campfire and crawl into her tent for the night. Ava's face fell just slightly when she felt Beatrice's warmth leave her side. She hadn't noticed until the older woman pulled away, but she had been holding her hand. She felt a strong absence from where Beatrice was just a moment ago.

"So what's the deal with you and Beatrice?"

Ava looked up in shock. Mary was still looking at her expecting a response. "Uhh what do you mean?"

"I'm not blind. What's going on between you two?"

"Well, she's a really good friend."

"And of course that's all," Camila smirked at Ava.

Ava blushed a bright red. "Of course it is."

Mary laughed at her. "But do you two want it to be more."

Ava looked down and felt her face heat up even more. She was unbelievably mortified by the thought that someone else had noticed how she felt. Was it possible that Beatrice knew as well? "I don't know," she muttered in response.

"Come on," Lilith interjected. "Let's leave her alone. I don't think she likes the attention." Ava though that maybe it was her discomfort causing the empathetic reaction from Lilith, but when she made eye contact with her, she found her discomfort reflected at her as well as something she could almost swear was disappointment.

Ava didn't know what to say. She left the campfire and made her way to her tent. Once inside, she sat on her sleeping bag and put her head in her hands with a sigh. She didn't know what to do with her feelings. She knew she felt something toward Beatrice, but she had never felt love or ever had a crush. This was new and as much as it made her heart flutter, it also made her feel more vulnerable than she had felt since she was a little girl first being wheeled into that awful orphanage.

She went to sleep that night with a horrible ache in her chest. She knew what she wanted to do, but what did she want to have with Beatrice? She wanted to kiss her and hold her, and tonight, she longed to feel her warmth beside her as she fell asleep. She knew that she couldn't. Even if Beatrice was gay or had any interest in her, she had sworn her vows and seemed to have no interest in breaking them, even if she wasn't currently an active nun.

Beatrice laid in her tent staring up at the fabric ceiling of her tent. Her heart was beaten and scarred from years of self hatred, but now her heart throbbed with the pain of a desire she knew she could not satisfy. She wanted Ava. She wanted to be hers and vice versa. She wanted to hold her hand more often and to feel her fingers trace delicate lines over the fabric of her skin. She wanted to feel herself melt into Ava and her do the same. She wanted so desperately to be with her in the most intimate and loving ways and it was suffocating her. She wanted to feel her touch and the charge of electricity that went through her whole being, into her heart, through her mind, as it permeated the very depths of her soul. She wanted so desperately to be with her, but she knew it was wrong.

Beatrice still couldn't understand why God never answered her prayers. She tirelessly worked to better herself for as long as she could remember but to no avail. All she wanted was to know she was loved. And if God didn't love her, no one could. That included herself. She needed to be better, but her efforts seemed to do nothing. She wasn't acting on her impulses, but she still had them and that was bad enough.

Beatrice couldn't help the anger that welled up inside her. Why was this so wrong if it made her feel so good? Why would something so horrible bring her such peace? And why wasn't she good enough? Why was God so silent when she needed Him most? It was almost as if he refused to listen. And that is what broke her.

Beatrice curled into herself and let the tears roll down her cheeks. She couldn't muster the strength to unzip her sleeping bag and the cold made its way through the tent and her clothing to pierce her skin. She felt so cold and so alone as she always did. Only tonight, it became clear that she would never escape it. She would never not feel cold and alone because of who she was and everything she couldn't control.