What You Are Is Beautiful

An Inescapable Pain

The next day came and Ava awoke feeling troubled. She'd been doing fine until Mary mentioned her and Beatrice being anything other than friends. The truth was, she wasn't opposed to the idea of being more with Beatrice and she wanted that kind of companionship. She was becoming more and more aware of it. The way things felt right with Bea.

Her dreams had been full of Beatrice. Her constantly being just out of reach, and Ava getting closer only to fall behind by a seemingly impossible distance. Ava felt a sinking in her chest. She was getting so close only to fall behind. But was she ever close in the first place? Or was it all just an illusion she allowed herself to be tricked by? Either way it hurt. It was an ache stronger than anything she had felt since loosing her mom and becoming paralyzed. Ava mustered the strength to get herself out of her tent regardless of the deep chasm she felt in her chest.

The scene outside was much busier than usual. Everyone was outside of their tents and ready for the day. The Sisters moved about chattering with one another like usual as they began packing up camp. Everyone was up and about save for Beatrice who sat at the campfire with her cup of tea in hand. She stared down into the water as if searching for something she desperately needed to find. Her hair was still disheveled from sleeping on it and her figure seemed weighed down by an invisible force. Ava had never seen her look so distressed.

At a closer glance, it was clear that the other Sisters were desperately attempting to act normal despite Beatrice's unsettling appearance. They were very obviously worried. It showed in their gentleness when they went anywhere near her and in their nervous and sympathetic glances in her direction as they worked. Ava knew she was only causing herself more pain, but she had to be there for Beatrice.

So she made her way to the campfire where she sat next to Beatrice like they did every morning. Only this time, Beatrice scooted away from Ava. The pang that Ava felt was unbelievable. She didn't think it was possible to be hurt that much by such a simple gesture, but here she was with her heart cracking and spilling out its built up hurt into the hole forming in her chest.

Ava couldn't take her eyes off of Beatrice who still stared deeply into her tea leaves. She looked down and fought the burn of tears at the back of her throat. When she looked up she saw that Mary had stopped what she was doing to eye the situation with worry and sadness.

"So, when do you want to leave for the river?" Camila asked Ava from the other side of the campfire where she stood with the goodies from the hollowed tree knot.

Ava tried to clear her head to answer. "Whenever you are ready."

Camila's gaze lingered on Ava for a moment longer before switching to Beatrice and then back to her. She looked at her with pity in her eyes and it made Ava feel even worse.

"Well I've decided to join you two," Mary interjected from several feet away where she stood re-mucking the tents to camouflage them.

"Me too," Lilith spoke up. "I haven't swam in a while and I want to see if my new found abilities have any affect on that," she shrugged. "Plus it'll be fun."

"I think I'll be staying here."

Ava turned to Beatrice. Her voice had cracked and it broke Ava's heart just a bit more.

"I'm ready to leave when you guys are."

The Sisters all turned to Mary after she spoke. They glanced back to Ava and Bea before they silently set aside what they were doing and moved to walk in the direction of the river. Mary stayed behind for just a moment, eyeing Ava. "You coming?"

"I'll be there in just a moment."

Mary sighed and turned away to follow the others to the river. Camila and Lilith's hushed voices were still audible from camp.

Once Mary was out of sight, Ava turned to face Beatrice while straddling the log that they sat upon. "Beatrice?"

Beatrice furrowed her brows even further and continued to stare into her tea.

"Beatrice, please. Talk to me." She shuffled closer to the girl and this time she didn't move away.

"I've been hiding something from you, Ava. I've been hiding it from myself too and I can't seem to change it. Even when I beg for God's help." A tear rolled down her cheek and fell into her tea. She focused in on the ripples in the water as if it reflected the storm inside her that was always threatening to swallow her up in its waves. Being away from her Order made it even harder to not go under.

Ava's breath caught in her throat. She stayed where she was and asked: "What have you been hiding?"

"I'm gay."